


Strangers On A Bench

by AnonBeMe



Series: I Fell In Love When You Drew Me A Snowflake [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Freeform, Grief/Mourning, Love Fixes Things, Non-Explicit Sex, Selective Muteness, mute!Lexa, nurse!clarke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-06 04:59:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8735815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonBeMe/pseuds/AnonBeMe
Summary: Lexa doesn't speak anymore and Clarke is emotionally numb. The first time they meet, they're strangers on a bench. Let's take it from there ;) 
It's a story about losing important things and fighting to deal with it. It's a story about learning to live again. 
It's an AU based entirely on my imagination. 
I don't want to give too much away from the start,  it's angsty at times but also really sweet. I don't know how to rate it. Let me know if I don't put up any warnings you might have needed. 
It's my first fic and I hope you like it and want to come back for more chapters. 
(it's all done, so you won't be stuck in a story that never ends)





	1. Chapter I

It's one of those cold crispy winter days that turns noses and cheeks red and leaves snowflakes in your hair. It's the kind that keeps most people hidden under blankets and their stomachs filled with hot chocolate. 

There's a young woman sitting on a bench in the park. She's one of those people who doesn't care what the weather is like. She goes to the park each Sunday to sit on that particular bench and to write in her notebook. Her hair is tugged under a beanie and the amount of snowflakes on top of it indicates that she's been there for quite a while. The air is fresh, the sky is clear and the flakes stopped falling a while ago, but none of that matters to this woman. 

She's focused on the task of writing stories of the past, of memories she's afraid to lose, of moments in time she keeps locked up in the corners of her mind, of her heart. They're stories of a time where she didn't in her wildest imagination would think losing a sense would ever happen to her. She once heard someone say, that losing one sense would strengthen the others. It's the kind of statement you don't put any thought into until it suddenly applies to yourself. 

She doesn't speak. Not anymore. Even if it's not a sense, it still feels like losing one. She hasn't spoken a single word for eight years. Eight years, two months and five days. If she were to try, she's not sure she would remember how to. It doesn't matter anyway, just thinking of speaking even a single word forms a knot in her throat. Sometime during the past eight years she learned to ignore it, relying on her body language to get through the day.

Her head snaps slightly to the side by the sound of light feet approaching her; crispy crunches of snow under shoes. She doesn't look up, just listens.

"Is there room for one more on this bench?" The timid voice of a young woman asks. The woman on the bench nods softly, but doesn't look up and her pen doesn't leave the surface of the notebook, not even when the weight of another body hits the bench. 

To anyone walking by it would look like two young women enjoying a cold winter day in the park together. No one but the two knows that they're strangers to each other. No one but the two understands the importance in the silence of the encounter. 

The newcomer pulls out a sketchbook from her backpack. She finds the next empty page and starts drawing the scene of children making snowmen and parents proudly watching. She draws delicate snowflakes twirling in the air and naked trees, branches hanging low. She draws a bench with two women overlooking the scene. Their faces aren't showing, she wouldn't know how to draw them. 

The silent woman flips a page. Stories of the past are exchanged by a focused crease between her eyebrows and the slightest hint of a smile at the corner of her mouth. It's barely there and she doesn't recognize it as a smile herself. She touches her pen to the empty page and begins a tale of two women on a bench in a park. A tale of silent conversations and time standing still. A tale of winter worlds and cold hearts and red noses and... hope. She doesn't recognize it herself but it's there in the snowflakes and the twosome between the two strangers on the bench. It's there in the story of the present.

The dark of evening slowly settles around them, both are freezing, both still stubbornly moving their pen. In the distance, the town hall bell chimes 6 o'clock and the first woman slides her notebook into the coat pocket and slowly rises. 

"Thank you," the newcomer says, timidly but firm. 

The silent woman nods slightly, hoping her _'You're welcome'_ and _'Thank YOU'_ comes through loud and clear. She hopes it's the right amount of comfort to the silent tears she heard in the newcomer's voice. 

She leaves the bench with her head tucked into her coat and her notebook filled with more memories and her heart unsteadily beating a rhythm of uncertainty. Because this feeling of the present lingering in her mind hasn't happened for a long time. It makes her uncomfortable. It stays with her through sleepless nights.

*

The sound of footsteps echo in the stairwell. Running footsteps, two steps at a time and Lexa taps her notebook with her index finger to the rhythm. One two three four - pause - one two three four - pause - one two three four... and so on. Their apartment is on the third floor and Anya says she can't be bothered walking like a normal person and 'its easier this way, less steps' and Lexa always rolls her eyes at her and Anya always punches her shoulder, a wide playful smirk on her face. 

Dangling keys. Keys in the door. The door opens. Anya steps in kicking her shoes off while closing the door behind her. 

"Hey sis. You home? What are you up to?" 

Lexa waits for Anya's face to appear in the doorway before she lifts the notebook above her head for Anya to see. 

"Ahh. Want some tea?" 

Lexa nods, returning her focus to the notebook. 

"Okay, coming right up!"

While Anya roams the kitchen, making tea and maybe sandwiches, Lexa rereads the words she just wrote. 

_Dear Costia._  
_Today, for the first time in eight years I felt something else than pain. I spent the afternoon with a stranger in the park. We enjoyed the winter landscape from a bench. We didn't talk. I don't know her name. I don't really know how she looks like, I couldn't bring myself to look at her, you know why. She draws. She drew the scene in the park, you know the place, it's our bench._  
_She drew while I wrote. For the first time in eight years I didn't write down memories. I wrote a short story. It's not a literary master piece. I'm not a writer. But today I wrote a short story about two women sitting on a bench sharing a moment of silence._  
_I've been thinking... How can the mere presence of a random stranger get under my skin like that? I don't have an answer. All I have are pages and pages of written words, random thoughts and bundles of nothingness on paper._  
_I'm curious to know if she sees the world like I do. Does her drawing capture the emptiness of her surroundings like my writing does mine? Is her drawing a result of pain and loss too? Or is she driven by a different kind of broken? Is she broken at all? I think she is._  
_I think she was crying. I don't remember the last time I cried._  
_I think, for a moment, I didn't feel pain. I'm not sure. I felt determined for a while, writing from inspiration. It's new. It's unsettling, because I don't know what it means._

Anya places a cup of tea and an egg sandwich on the coffee table and gestures for Lexa to 'dig in' and then takes a seat next to her on the couch. She pokes Lexa on the shoulder with her index finger, demanding her attention. Lexa gives it to her, putting her notebook away. 

"I really want you to meet Raven. Come with me on Friday. Please?"

Anya and Raven has been dating for a few months now. They met at a conference of some sort. Anya is a cyber crime investigator and Raven is a technical mechanic. Lexa doesn't quite understand how they met at a conference, how their line of work intersect, but they did and it's kind of serious between them already and Lexa is truly happy for her. Anya deserves to be happy. Anya deserves to not be stuck in Lexa's cloud of destructive I-don't-care-about-anything-anymore behavior. 

Lexa shakes her head frantically. Her eyes seek the upright piano by the window in a desperate attempt of anchoring herself to something, but it doesn't work. It hasn't for eight years. 

"Lexa, she's important to me and I _really_ want you two to meet. Please at least consider it? It's a few people at Raven's place, dinner and maybe some boardgames. They're really nice people. Look, if it makes you change your mind I promise to drive you back home the minute you feel uncomfortable, okay? Just think about." 

Anya is the only thing important to Lexa. She's been Lexa's only rock to hang on to since Costia died. Well, Anya and Lexa's notebook. Mostly Anya. Lexa wants to do this for her, so badly, but the thought of being in a room with people expecting that she talks to them is almost driving her to a panic attack right there on the couch in front of Anya. 

Anya's pleading eyes never leave Lexa as Lexa picks up her notebook and scribbles a note for her. 

_I'll think about it._

Anya's pleading eyes turns soft, she bites her lower lip and punches Lexa lightly on the shoulder. 

"That's all I'm asking. Thank you."

Lexa scribbles another note. 

_What if they expect me to talk?_

"You can bring your notebook, Lexa. I don't expect you to converse differently. They don't care, I told you, they're good people." 

Lexa nods, not liking this one bit, but she promised Anya to think about it. She turns her attention to the tea and the sandwich in front of her, sends a 'thank you' smile towards Anya who smiles back before she turns on the TV. 

*

The next morning Lexa visits Costia's grave to give her a letter. She watches it burn to ashes on her grave. She looks to the skies and takes a deep shaky breath, then she places a single daffodil on top of the ashes before she goes back home. 

_Dear Costia,_  
_Anya wants me to meet Raven and her friends on Friday. I don't think I can handle this without you. Please help me do this for her._  
_I miss you, Lexa._

*

Clarke steps into her apartment and is met by lights from the living room which means Raven is home. Clarke sighs, kicks off her shoes and takes off her coat. She knows Raven is worried and she's not sure she can deal with that right now, so she walks silently towards her bedroom but Raven won't have it. 

"I forgot what today was, Clarke, I'm sorry. If you want to be alone, I'll respect that, but I've got Netflix, popcorn and maybe a couple of beers and a friendly hug if you want?"

Clarke stops in the dark hallway, her bedroom door only an arm's length away. She thinks about visiting Finn's grave today, she lost him three years ago, today is the anniversary, and it still hurts so much that sometimes she can't breathe. She thinks about going to the park because she was afraid of being alone, and she thinks about the young woman on the bench and grieving silently in her company. She thinks about drawing for the first time in three years and she thinks about Raven being a better friend than she deserves. Clarke turns around to join Raven in front of the TV. She cuddles into Raven and exhales slowly. 

"Thank you, Rae, this is exactly what I needed."

"I know." Raven hugs Clarke a little closer, her focus on the TV. "I put on Friends, figured you can't go wrong with that..."

"True." Clarke squeezes her eyes shut for a moment and releases a heavy breath. 

"I went to see Finn today."

"I know", Raven's voice colored by a sad smile. 

"I went to the park afterwards."

Raven responds with a squeeze to Clarke's shoulder. Clarke seems in the mood to want to talk and Raven knows better than to interrupt her, so she waits silently for Clarke to continue. 

"I didn't want to be alone and there are always people at the park. I spent hours there, Rae, just observing people... I haven't done that in a long time." 

Clarke hasn't said anything for a while, so Raven offers her some popcorn and does what Raven does best, making smart-ass comments to make Clarke smile. "Here, have some popcorn, my ears are bleeding from all that talking, " her voice thick with playful sarcasm. 

Clarke punches Raven on her upper arm and chuckles when Raven feints hurt, then grabs a handful of popcorn. 

"I want to show you something, I'll be right back."

Clarke dissappears into the hallway and comes back throwing her sketchbook at Raven. 

"What's this?"

"Open it, you'll know when you see it. " Her voice detached from emotion. 

Raven turns page after page of old drawings she's seen before, of Clarke's friends and family, of beautiful landscapes and of abstract patterns, all of them full of life and so very Clarke. They're all from before Finn died. Raven knows that Clarke uses her drawing to deal with her feelings. Raven also knows that Clarke hasn't drawn anything since Finn died. Raven nearly chokes on her popcorn when she finds the new drawing from the park. 

"Shit, Clarke, you did a new drawing?"

"Mhmm."

"Today?"

"Mhmm."

"I... This is good, Clarke."

"I'm rusty."

"Pfft, oh shush with the modesty, you know it's good. No, I mean,... I'm proud of you, Clarke. Whatever made you draw this,... this is a good thing."

"Yeah... I'm scared, Rae." 

"What are you scared of?"

"I don't know."

Raven chuckles. Clarke does too. 

"Who's the chick?"

"What?"

Raven points to the bench on the drawing. "I assume this is you, soooo... who's this sitting next to you?" 

Clarke scrunches her eyebrows thoughtfully. "Oh... I don't know her. She was sitting on that bench writing in a notebook and she let me sit next to her... maybe her writing inspired me to draw? I don't know... "

"Ooooh-kaaay... Maybe you should've gotten her number if she inspires you like that", Raven says with a glint in her eyes, hoping Clarke understands that she's *not* serious at all, only joking a little. 

"Harhar!" Clarke chuckles but turns instantly serious, "No,... its not like that at all. It's just... I didn't want to be alone and she seemed like the silent, not talkative type, you know? It made sense, somehow. I think, maybe she was sad too. It felt like we were stuck together in our own bubble just watching life happen around us. It felt good in a pathetic kind of way having someone to share that with."

"Yeah, I get it Clarke, really, you don't have to explain yourself, I'm just super excited that you've been drawing again." Raven says and stuffs her mouth with another handful of popcorn. Clarke nods thoughtfully, distractedly. 

Raven's phone dings on the coffee table and she picks it up, smiling like an idiot. 

"Anya?"

"... yeah," Raven is distracted texting Anya back. "Anya's sister might be joining us on Friday. You okay with that?". 

"Sure. Who else is coming?"

"Just O and Linc... I promised Anya to keep it low key. Her sister doesn't do well with big crowds."

"Mh okay... Well, that makes two of us, I guess."

Raven pulls Clarke into a bear hug and leaves a kiss on the top of her head. "Do you need a spoon buddy tonight?"

"Maybe." 

"Okay,... Let's finish this movie first, okay?"

"Okay."


	2. Chapter II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to split this story into 14 chapters. Some of them will be kind of short because they work better alone. Instead I'll try to upload a chapter a day (or every two days). 
> 
> And thank you for all the love, the kudos and the comments! 
> 
> Now, let's see how their second meeting goes.

Lexa works part-time at the local library. She doesn't need to because her parents are loaded. She likes working at the library. No... She likes that she has something to wake up to and doesn't have to live off of her parents' money, and she likes that she can mind her own business while archiving books. She's rarely approached and thus rarely needs to pick up her notebook to answer questions. It's a favorable position and _That's_ what she likes about working at the library

When her shift ends she usually, meticulously goes to the park to sit on Costia's bench to think and ponder and dig up old memories to write in her notebook. 

This Thursday is no different except that her trip to the park is cut short by terrible weather. It's raining heavily and she takes a shortcut through the park to grab a cup of tea at the tiny coffee shop on the corner. She finds a secluded seat in a big old arm chair in the corner and then warms her hands on the tea cup before picking up her notebook. 

Clarke is a nurse at the local hospital and her working schedule is a mess. When Finn died she took on any extra shift she could get. Working meant not thinking about Finn, working meant not feeling numb. Working meant having a purpose. This Thursday Clarke finishes a double shift and makes a pit-stop at the tiny coffee shop on the corner before going home to sleep. She's tired and cold and all she really wants is a hot chocolate. Clarke meant to order a cup to go but by entering the coffee shop her eyes land on a familiar woman with familiar chestnut hair in the corner. Clarke decides to drink her hot chocolate in the shop thinking maybe she doesn't have to feel alone in this, just for a little while. 

"Is there room for one more by this table?" Clarke asks. 

Lexa's eyes shoot up by the familiar voice and lands on a set of bright blue eyes. Lexa masters the art of not letting anything past her walls, but those blue eyes break right through the bricks as two firm wrecking balls as if their the sole purpose is _just that_. Lexa forces her eyes back to her notebook, she thinks maybe it's not too bad sharing her silence with her again so she nods, giving Clarke a green light to take a seat. 

Clarke hangs her coat over the back of the chair, takes her seat and checks her phone for messages. She shoots Raven a quick text because she knows Raven worries when Clarke doesn't come home per usual hours. 

Clarke:  
_The rain got the better of me, I'm at the coffee shop for hot choc., will be home later than usual._

Raven:  
_Gotcha. I'll send out a search party if you're not home in two hours ;)_

Clarke imagines Raven smirking and she rolls her eyes. 

Clarke:  
_Yeah yeah_

Clarke:  
_She's here. The woman from the park_

Clarke doesn't know why but it seemed important enough to tell Raven. 

Raven:  
_Are you stalking her, Clarke? Really, just ask for her number ;)_

Clarke:  
_Oh shut up, Rae. I'll talk to you later!_

Clarke puts her phone down and picks up her sketchbook and a pencil. Clarke turns to an empty page and starts doodling, she doesn't realize until it's too late that she's doodling something very reminiscent of the woman sitting across from her. Her lungs are suddenly filled with something toxic and to avoid the oncoming anxiety attack, she closes her sketchbook and presses her eyes shut to focus on her breathing. In two three four, out to three four five six. Again. And again. 

When Clarke finally opens her eyes she sees green eyes look at her with concern. 

"I'm sorry," Clarke says, "I'm... having a bad day." She sips on the hot chocolate to distract herself from all that's overwhelming her in this moment. Truthfully, Clarke is not having a bad day, it's a day similar to any other day. They're kind of all bad, in a way. 

Lexa shakes her head as to say, 'don't apologize', and she scribbles down a message on a piece of paper and slides it towards blue eyes, because she wants to make sure she understands. 

'Don't apologize. Are you okay?' 

Clarke is confused about the message but quickly realizes that she never heard the woman's voice. Clarke looks at her cautiously 

"Oh... Yes. I'm okay." Clarke hesitates but her curiosity wins, "Why the note?" 

Green eyes freeze, blue eyes apologize 

Lexa scribbles out another note. 

_'Stop apologizing. It's okay. I lost my voice a long time ago. I don't speak'_

Lexa bites her lip waiting for blue eyes to finish reading her note. She's so far beyond her comfort zone that she's basically out the door. She curses herself for being honest instead of just ignoring the woman in front of her. Ignoring people is easy, shutting everything out is easy, it's a routine. But those blue eyes make Lexa do things she hasn't done for a long time. She wants so badly for those blue eyes to look at her and understand why she's not speaking anymore. 

When blue eyes meet green again, it's with such an intensity that Lexa drops her pen on the floor. 

Clarke picks it up and scribbles something on the back of the note and sends it across the table. 

Lexa stares at the note in front of her like it might hurt her if she were to touch it. This is a first. No one ever wrote *her* a note before. With shaky hands she picks it up and reads it. She reads it three times before exhaling a breath she didn't know she held. 

_'I'm Clarke. I'm emotionally numb.'_

And for the first time in eight years, Lexa feels her mouth twist into a smile. A small one, but it's there and it tugs at her heart and it waters her eyes. She looks up at Clarke not quite believing that this stranger wants to communicate with her, not quite believing her own actions which are so out of character, at least for the last eight years. Lexa signals for the pen back and Clarke reaches forward and puts it on the table in front of her. Lexa picks it up thoughtfully and scribbles out a new message beneath Clarke's. 

_'I'm Lexa and I'm an emotional mess._

Clarke responds to the message with a light chuckle, a sound so foreign to her that her eyes widen in shock. Raven sometimes make her chuckle, but it's always sort of hollow, an echo of a routine that's always been their ping pong. Raven does all she can to make Clarke smile and Clarke smiles because she wants to tell Raven that she appreciates the effort. Lexa's message is the first thing in three years that has made her heart chuckle too. If Clarke were to look up, she'd see Lexa wiping away a few stray tears from her cheek. She'd also be able to mirror her own fears and anxiety in sharp green eyes. 

Clarke is interrupted by a new note silently being pushed towards her. She takes a few minutes of breathing in two three four out two three four five six before reading it. 

Lexa isn't expecting any answer because she knows she may have overstepped a boundary of some sort, but she couldn't help herself. 

_'Did you finish your drawing from the bench?'_

Clarke fiddles with the note running fingers on the edges, flipping it a few times, rubbing her thumb over Lexa's written words. Yes, she did finish the drawing, but she doesn't know how to tell Lexa that it's the first drawing she's done since Finn died. It's hard enough talking to Raven about it, how does she go about talking to a stranger about it? It's a simple 'yes' but that doesn't seem right. The answer is so much bigger than that.

Clarke gives up finding the right words, so instead she shakily opens her sketchbook to the page of the drawing and slides it towards Lexa. She studies green eyes as they study the drawing. Surprise, awe, sadness, familiarity, fragility... heartbreak. 

Lexa studies the drawing for a long, long time. Clarke bites her lip nervously. Lexa takes a sharp inhale of much needed air. Clarke moves restlessly about in her chair. Lexa slides the notebook back and looks up to find questioning blue eyes look back at her. Clarke finds herself paralyzed as a few tears slide down Lexa's cheek. Lexa wants to speak. Clarke wants to cry. 

Eventually, Lexa picks up her notebook, pulls out three pages and folds them once. She puts on her coat and leaves the three pages on the table for Clarke on her way out. 

Clarke contemplates waiting until she gets home but she can't. She's too curious and so she unfolds them and starts reading. 

She reads Lexa's words and it shatters her already broken heart. They leave an aching silence in her veins and a buzzing warmth in her bones and it sucks out the air in her lungs and for the first time since Finn's funeral Clarke feels the tears pressing forward. 

It starts with a single tear she only ever recognizes when it lands on the pages in her hands. It multiplies as she archives the pages in her sketchbook and hurries out the shop, down the street and home. It expands into rivers by the time she closes the door behind her and Raven looks at her in shock, in disbelief, like she doesn't recognize Clarke in this very moment. Clarke doesn't recognize herself either, but none of it means anything when her knees give in and she slumps to the floor, her body immediately being encased by Raven's arms. 

"It's okay, Clarke. I'm here." 

The numbness that has taken residence in Clarke's body for three years is slowly seeping out along with all the tears soaking Raven's shirt. 

* 

Clarke wakes up and doesn't remember how she ended up in her bed. It's dark outside, a yellow glow from the street light slicing through the blinds casting shadows on her bedroom wall. She doesn't need any light to see the painting hanging there. She made it, she knows every little detail of that painting. She made it for Finn, a painting of a summer night by the lake and bright orange shades of a sunset. It was his favorite spot and so she painted it for him. It hung in their bedroom until the day Clarke moved in with Raven. It was the only thing she took with her to her new place. 

She's thirsty and her body aches and so she rolls over to look at the clock on her bedside table, it's 2am. She draws in a steady breath and silently gets up and leaves her bedroom to get a glass of water. She rubs her eyes sore from hours of crying and enjoys the silence of the dark kitchen for a while. 

"I thought I heard something." 

Clarke turns around to find a Raven shaped shadow in the doorway. Raven flicks on the lights and walks towards the fridge. "Sit, I'll make you a sandwich, you must be hungry." 

And yeah, Clarke is hungry. It just isn't her priority right now. Her stomach growls traitorously and so she takes a seat on a counter chair with a defeated groan, her head in her hands as if it weighs too much. 

"I feel like shit, Rae." 

"You look like shit, Clarke." Raven deadpans while placing a ham and cheese sandwich in front of Clarke. "Eat," she dictates. 

While Clarke bites into her sandwich, Raven disappears for a minute. She returns with Clarke's sketchbook. 

"Wanna talk about this?" Raven gently places the sketchbook on the kitchen counter, the open page has the drawing of Lexa's face, and the three pages of Lexa's story next to it. 

"No." 

"No?" 

"I don't know." 

"Is she the woman from the park?" 

"Yes." 

"Okay... That's two times in a week she's the muse to your drawings... It's.. Does it have anything to do with your meltdown? "  
"Rae..." 

"No, Clarke. I'm not gonna let you silence this. It's okay if you're not ready to talk about it, just please, don't ignore this. It's the first time in a long time I've seen a piece of the Clarke I used to know. It's a good thing, I want you to hold on to that." 

They sit in silence, Clarke studying the crust of her sandwich, Raven studying Clarke. 

"I... Well, she asked me if I finished my drawing, the one from the bench? I showed it to her and she got very emotional looking at it. She left those pages for me before she left the coffee shop. It seems she wrote that on the bench as well and it seems reading it made me emotional too." 

Raven is speechless, she just... stares at Clarke, not entirely trusting herself when she sees pieces of Old Clarke showing. 

"What do you want me to say, Rae?" 

"Nothing... just,... nothing, I'm sorry. I like this mystery woman, though. Someone who makes you this emotional, I'm sorry to say, I kinda like it. She's pushing old Clarke back to the surface... Even if it's just a little bit." 

Clarke gulps down the rest of her water and tears off a piece of crust from the sandwich. "I guess..." 

"And if your drawing is anything to go by she's kinda hot too," Raven teases. 

"Oh shut up, Rae", Clarke throws a piece of the crust at Raven who breaks out in laughter. 

Clarke chuckles a little, not really meant for anyone but herself. "Yeah, I guess she is kinda hot." 

"So-" 

"No!" 

"But- " 

"No, Rae!" 

"Alright, fine!" Raven huffs impatiently but admits her defeat. "Listen, while you're still awake. Do you need me to cancel tomorrow's dinner... or, today's dinner, I guess...?" 

"No don't worry, Rae. I just need some sleep and a shower before they arrive, I'll be fine." 

"Alright. Let me know if you need anything. I'm gonna go get some sleep." Raven yawns, gets up, ruffles Clarke hair and walks back to her room, Clarke scowling just the slightest bit after her. 

Clarke finishes her sandwich with a hint of a smile to the corner of her mouth and an aching in her heart she can't quite define. She goes back to bed, looking at the painting on her bedroom wall until her eyelids become heavy. The last thing she sees before drifting off to sleep, though, is the green eyes of a stranger. 

* 

Lexa is scowling at her notebook when Anya enters the living room. 

"Hey sis, I'm sorry I'm late. Work was craz... You ok there?" 

Lexa lifts her scowl towards Anya instead and then back to the notebook. 

"What did the notebook do to you, want me to kick its ass?" Anya teases. 

Lexa ignores the teasing and flips a few pages in her notebook. She hands it to Anya. It's the words she wrote to Costia about meeting the stranger in the park. Anya sits down next to her on the couch while still reading. 

"This... when did this happen?" 

Lexa holds up an already made note for Anya to read. 

_'I went to the park on Sunday. I met her at the coffee shop again today. She showed me her drawing from the park. She drew the two of us on the bench watching people in the park. And meanwhile I was writing af story about us too. It was too much, so I ran out the coffee shop'_

Lexa hates this, she hates that she needs to write down the things she wants to talk about. The slow progress ruins the flow, it's... clumsy. But Anya never pushes her to use her voice and for that Lexa is grateful. 

"Oh... You wrote a story? Can I read it?" 

Lexa scribbles something new on the back of the note. 

_'I gave it to her'_

Lexa knows that Anya knows that this is a big deal. She only ever shows her written words to Anya. And sometimes to Costia, burning the piece of paper on her grave. It's a symbolic act, the words are only meant for Costia. 

Anya knows that Lexa uses her writing to deal with the loss of Costia. She knows, that Lexa is terrified that she may lose more than just her voice, and so she spends hours of writing down memories. 

Anya also knows that Lexa only writes down old memories. The fact that Lexa has written a story based on a meeting with a stranger on a bench is progress. It's Lexa out of her comfort zone. It's Lexa voluntarily stepping out of her comfort zone. 

"You wrote a story about a stranger, then randomly meet her again in a coffee shop and you give the story to her?" 

Lexa nods. 

"Really? Wow, really? I kinda wish I'd read it. I feel like I'm missing out on this huge milestone in your life." Anya smirks a little, she likes to take off the edge of Lexa's always serious tone. 

Lexa answer with the look, the 'you're so full of yourself' look. Anya is usually the receiver of that particular look. 

Anya smirks and Lexa braces herself for what's to come, because something is definitely to come. 

"So, did you get her number?" Anya winks. 

Lexa rolls her eyes because, no of course she didn't get her number. It was a random encounter and yes Clarke drew her and yes Lexa wrote about Clarke and yes she knows her name. But that's it. That and she has beautiful blue eyes, but she won't admit that to Anya. 

Lexa scribbles some more and Anya throws her feet onto the coffee table and snuggles into Lexa's shoulder. They sit like that for a while. Anya may or may not be sleeping, Lexa may or may not be panicking a little inside. 

Lexa wakes up Anya by sticking a finger in her ear. Anya startles awake and is met by a grinning Lexa. 

"Who are you? What did you do to my sister?" 

Lexa responds by pushing her last note into Anya's hand. 

_'I'll come with you tomorrow.'_

Anya nods, a lazy grin spreading on her face. 

"Yes! I'm so excited, sis. You won't regret it. I promise I'll look out for you. Fun times, I promise". Anya ends her ranting in a big yawn, rubbing her eyes. "Shit, I'm tired. I'm gonna head to bed. I'll be back to pick you up around 5pm tomorrow, is that okay?" 

Lexa nods. Once alone again, she opens her notebook. This time she doesn't scowl. Instead, there's a smile tugging at her lips. 

_'Dear Costia._  
_I met the woman from the park again today. At the coffee shop. Remember I told you I wrote about her? It turns out she drew me as well. She showed me her drawing and it struck a nerve somehow, it made me cry. I can't remember the last time something hit me that hard. She drew me and herself sitting on the bench. On our bench. And it hit me that maybe there's room for more than just you in my heart. I'm so scared of forgetting you. I don't want to. That's why I visit the bench so often._  
_Is it okay if I share our bench with her? I think she needs it as much as I do._  
_X Lexa'_

Lexa brings the note to Costia the next day. 


	3. Chapter III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what the normal amount is but nearly a hundred kudos and 1300+ hits sounds kinda awesome to me. Thank you :) 
> 
> It's time for Raven's dinner party and I've been looking forward to share this with you.
> 
> Enjoy!

Anya and Lexa are standing outside Raven's apartment. Lexa is nervous, like, sweaty palms and a dry throat nervous, and she holds a note up for Anya to read. Anya gives Lexa a reassuring look. "Yes, of course I told her you don't speak. I knew you'd prefer that. I don't know if she told the others, though." 

They ring the doorbell and Anya, the little shit, rings it repeatedly until the door is being ripped open. Anya smirks, Raven greets her with a scowl. 

"You know, sometimes I forget I'm dating a 30 year old." Anya's smirk grows wider. Raven rolls her eyes and plants a lingering kiss on her lips, "Hey babe." 

"Hey yourself. Raven Lexa, Lexa Raven," Anya says entering the apartment, kicking off her shoes. 

"Ooh, the sister! Nice to finally meet you, Lexa. I see you're the polite one," Raven yells over her shoulder. Anya answers with a loud laughter from inside the apartment. Raven and Lexa shake hands, "Please come in."

Lexa steps inside and hands over a bottle of wine with a note on it. _'For you'_. 

"Thank you," Raven smiles. 

Lexa takes off her coat and shoes and turns to Raven whose smile slowly turns into a thoughtful bite to the lip.  
"Have we met before? You look familiar." 

Lexa shakes her head softly, she'd have remembered Raven. She's as vibrant as Anya. She'd definitely have remembered her. 

"Mh..." Raven tilts her head to the side, eyes squinting a little. 

Lexa studies Raven as something definitely clicks in her head. Raven's eyes grow wide with surprise. 

"You're the mystery woman. Oh, this is..." and Raven stops her train of thought the second she sees confusion grow in Lexa. 

"You know what, never mind, follow me and I'll introduce you."

There's an unfamiliar sound, something metallic, but not quite and Lexa automatically lowers her gaze to the source. She only just noticed Raven's leg brace. Anya never told her about it, so she doesn't know why Raven needs it. Lexa thinks to herself that people come in many different packages, we're all broken one way or another and Raven doesn't seem like the person to be held back by it, which is kind of admirable. 

Lexa follows Raven into the living room where Anya has already taken a seat on the couch.

"Lexa this is Octavia and Lincoln. Octavia and I have known each other since kindergarten, actually. Funny thing, I met Anya through Lincoln. I assume you know he works with Anya." Both get up to shake Lexa's hand, Lexa nods politely as a respond to their 'Hi, nice to meet you's. 

They're interrupted by Raven turning her head towards the newcomer in the doorway, "Oh, and this is my roommate, Clarke. Clarke this is Anya's sister. Lexa. I believe you two already met," Raven's voice colored disturbingly excited. 

Lexa catches a glimpse of a smirking Raven while turning around to look at the newcomer. The second green meets blue, Lexa freezes. Clarke seems just as frozen in the doorway. No one really knows for how long they're standing there, surprised eyes locked across the living room. Anya darts a puzzled look between the two, over and over again. Raven's eyes jumps between the two as well, but she knows, so she just waits for someone, any of them, to pick this up. 

Lexa has a piece of paper in her pocket. She didn't want to use it if she could avoid it, but this seems like the right moment, so she pulls it out of her pocket, unfolds it and holds it up for Clarke to read. Her eyes never leaving Clarke's as blue eyes drop to the note and back up again. Clarke exhales slowly and a soft smile spreads on her face. Clarke walks up to Lexa, taking the note out of her hands. She disappears into the apartment somewhere and returns with a pen. She returns the note to Lexa who explores it with a curiousity she hasn't felt for what seems like forever. 

One side says  
_'Nice to meet you. I'm Lexa'_

The other side, in Clarke's handwriting, says,  
_'The pleasure is all mine, I'm Clarke. I enjoyed your story. Thank you'_

Lexa folds it neatly and places it back in her pocket. A subtle smile across her face and a thankful nod towards Clarke. 

"Wait, how do you know each other?" Anya interrupts.

Lexa looks at Anya and then Anya knows. She spent eight years learning to read her sister's non-verbal communication and she doesn't need any written words to tell her that Clarke is the woman from the park, the woman from the coffee shop, the woman Lexa wrote a story about and most importantly, the woman Lexa gave said story to read. 

"Oh... Well... Erh... " is all Anya says, lost in her thoughts. 

Lexa scribbles a note for Anya.  
_'I thought I was the verbally challenged of the two of us'_

Anya responds with a push to Lexa's shoulder and an "oh shut up, smart-ass" and a smirk that is very much intended for Raven and full of promises of devious plans. Lexa and Clarke share a look, both equally uncomfortable, equally scared, equally lost in each other's eyes. 

"So... mind sharing the meaning of all these secret looks and crypted oh's with us?" Octavia asks, one eyebrow raised. 

"Well, you see, Octavia," Anya's smirk is a dangerous shade of devious and Lexa seeks comfort by locking eyes with Clarke, "Clarke is my favorite person right now because she not once, but twice this past week has made my little sis here - who might I add tends to dwell on all things melancholic - smile, like, genuinely smile." 

"Also," Raven continues, "it seems Lexa is the reason Clarke has started drawing again. Speaking of which, Clarke, the resemblance is spot on. Rusty, my ass." 

Raven and Anya shares a knowing look, smirking. Neither Lexa nor Clarke notices. Lexa thinks maybe Clarke is blushing a little, and then maybe Lexa is blushing a little too. 

"You've been drawing again, Clarke?" 

Clarke's eyes shift to meet Octavia's. "It's not a big deal, O,... but yeah."

"Good." Octavia says, a bright smile warming up the room. 

"Hey, why don't you all take a seat, dinner is almost ready, I'll bring it in. Clarke, help me out?" Clarke mouths a 'thank you' to Raven when she passes her on her way to the kitchen for giving her an out of talking about this clearly too sensitive topic. 

Lexa feels Anya's hand on her shoulder a second later. "You okay, Lex?"

Lexa nods. 

"Overwhelmed?"

Another nod. 

"It's okay, Lex. I'm here, and by the looks of it, she's happy to see you." 

Lexa looks at Anya who's smirking, just a little. 

"Can I see the note she gave you?"

Lexa grins, shakes her head, because 'no, that's between her and Clarke'.

*

After dinner, Clarke volunteers to do the dishes. Both Raven and Octavia wants to join her, but Clarke insists that they stay and keep the others company. She needs a bit of air, some alone time. Having Lexa in her home is overwhelming. It's exciting and it's frustrating and she doesn't have the energy to deal with it right now.

In the living room, Lexa is watching Raven and Anya interact. A hand on a thigh, an arm around a shoulder. A sarcastic comment and a biting come-back. Raven is without a doubt a good match for her sister. Lexa scans the room and suddenly feels a pang of loneliness. Being in the same room with others and still not being a part of it... It's why Lexa usually keeps to herself. A bit of anxiety slowly rises within her and she scribbles a note for Raven to read. 

_'Bathroom?'_

"It's down the hall to the left."

*

In the kitchen Clarke has finished cleaning up and is now sitting at the kitchen counter with a blank piece of paper and a pencil in front of her, her eyes blankly staring out the window, her mind lost in a void. 

A knock on the door frame brings her back to the present and she finds Lexa leaning against the doorway scribbling in her notebook. This one is pocket-sized, convenient for the evening's purpose, Clarke supposes. Lexa holds up the notebook for Clarke whose eyes soften as she reads the written words. 

_'I can leave if this is awkward for you'_

Clarke looks back up into pleading green eyes, and she wants to know what made Lexa lose her voice. She wants to know what broke Lexa to the point where she sits in coffee shops crying over a stranger's drawing. She wants to know why Lexa feels she needs to leave to make her feel better. She wants to know why Lexa wants to make her feel better. But more than anything, Clarke wants to _not_ feel empty for a while, and Lexa does _something_ to her, something she can't define, something she suddenly craves as she's looking into green eyes.

"Come, sit." Clarke pats the counter chair next to her. 

Lexa bites her lip, hesitantly, she stays in her spot in the doorway. 

"I mean... If you want to. We can just sit here in silence if you want. Just, don't go, okay? Not because of me." Clarke turns her gaze to the kitchen counter, rolling the pencil between her thumb and index finger. Clarke sucks in a sharp unsteady breath. She doesn't want to witness Lexa leaving her alone. The thought of being rejected by Lexa terrifies her and that thought alone terrifies her too. 

Clarke's train of thought abruptly ends when a piece of paper slides in front of her onto the table and Lexa takes a seat next to her. 

_'I want to stay'_

Followed by another note. 

_'Also, I don't need the silence tonight. We can talk if you want'_

Clarke huffs softly, relieved that Lexa decided to join her. Clarke mindlessly begins drawing. 

"So, it turns out my best friend is dating your sister. Small world, eh?" Clarke opens, timidly. "Maybe we should get to know each other a bit?" 

Lexa nods. 

"Yeah? Good. So, tell me about yourself, whatever you want to tell me," Clarke challenges with a sideways glance at Lexa. "Take your time, write a novel if you will, no rush," she winks. 

Lexa accepts the challenge with a determined double nod and a forceful huff of breath. She writes in her notebook while Clarke continues to draw. Both too concentrated on the task ahead to notice Anya and Raven silently sharing a smile in the doorway before retreating back to the living room. 

When Lexa finishes her note, Clarke is still drawing, her tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration and Lexa can't help but smile by the sight. It's sort of adorable. Clarke looks like she was born with a pencil in her hand and Lexa wonders why she quit drawing in the first place. That's what Octavia said earlier _'You've been drawing again?'_ , what was that about?

Lexa pushes her notebook towards Clarke a few inches to signal she's done and Clarke stops drawing to pick it up. "Oh, you _did_ write a novel," she winks again. "Alright, Lexa, I expect juicy details here..." but Lexa is too occupied studying Clarke's drawing to respond. Clarke has drawn an upscaled snowflake, so detailed it almost hurts. It's magnificent and fragile and just... _right_. 

Clarke clears hear throat dramatically, an amused smile painted on her lips and she begins reading out loud. 

"Clarke, these are the things about myself that I would like to share with you. For now. The truth is, I haven't done this in a while, talking about myself... well, talking in general. I'm no longer sure I remember the unwritten rules of smalltalk, but then again, I'm not sure this qualifies as smalltalk. What do you think?"

A gentle laugh escapes Clarke's lips, amused blue eyes search green ones. "I don't know, Lexa. I'm a bit rusty myself on the matter, to be honest. Does my opinion change the meaning of anything I'll read here?" 

Lexa looks to the ceiling, pondering, then finds Clarke's eyes again as she shrugs and then shakes her head because _'no, not really'_. Those words are meant to be read by Clarke, no matter the context. 

So Clarke nods a response. "Alright, where was I... Okay, here. It seems the universe wants us so badly to meet, the park, the coffee shop and now through Anya and Raven. I suppose that means we're no longer strangers to each other, and so, if we are to move from strangers to acquainted to maybe even friends someday there are some things you need to know about me. One, I lost someone special to me eight years ago. Two, I miss her terribly. Three, I haven't spoken a single word since then, I don't know why, no one does. Four, Anya is my sister, my best friend and also my roommate. I'm not sure I'd still be here if it wasn't for her."

Something is tugging at Clarke's heart. Something is stirring in her gut. She's processing Lexa's words, how similar a situation they're both in. Her eyebrows scrunches together in a thoughtful, worried look. She bites her lip, then slowly breathes in two three four, out two three four five six. Again. And again. She wills herself to meet Lexa's eyes but Lexa is deliberately staring at Clarke's snowflake in front of her. Clarke understands, she recognizes the pain in them, so she continues reading. There's an arrow indicating to turn to the next page, which is what Clarke does. 

"I sometimes go to a bad place in my mind. You're probably wondering why I'm telling you this, because these are normally things that scare people away, but my gut tells me that you understand this. Mostly though, I get by and life is okay. So not to dwell on the bad things... Five, I work part time at the library, I like the books and the silence. Six, I drink tea, never coffee. Seven, I'm a dog person. Eight, I like ice cream, vanilla is my favorite. Nine, although it terrifies me, I'm glad I let you read my story. Anya is quite jealous about it, actually. Ten, I really did enjoy your drawing from the park. I think you're very talented."

Clarke and Lexa shares a quick look, Lexa cautiously smiling, Clarke blushing a little. 

"So this is me. I'm Lexa. Who are you?" Clarke gives Lexa back the notebook. "Thank you, Lexa, for sharing." Clarke picks up her pencil again and turns her attention to her snowflake. Lexa can tell she's contemplating what to say next, so she patiently gives Clarke the time she needs, appreciating the strokes of Clarke's pencil to the paper while waiting. 

"I... Well. The two of us are much alike, it turns out. I lost someone special too. Three years ago. And I also miss him terribly. Raven is to me what Anya is to you, except the sister part."

Silence. Patience. 

"I think, while you lost your voice, I sort of lost the will to feel anything. I probably work too much, but it keeps my mind occupied and it makes me too tired to stay awake when I'm not working. I'm a nurse, by the way."

"Mh," Clarke bites her lip, she's not done talking.

"Your story broke me. I think, maybe the same way my drawing broke you? I don't think I've cried since Finn died. Three years of walking around like a zombie and then three pages of words from a stranger is what breaks me. I don't understand how that works."

Clarke freezes her movements. If Lexa were to make a guess, she'd say Clarke is suddenly too overwhelmed to continue. A million different emotions flash through Clarke's eyes in a heartbeat and Lexa knows how that feels, how the panic suddenly spreads uncontrollably through your body, she's been there so many times. It's what happened to her in the coffee shop. 

Abruptly, as if lightning had struck, Clarke picks up the drawing of the snowflake and crumbles it into a ball in one swift movement. Lexa instantly reaches over putting her hands around Clarke's to make her stop. Clarke's breathing is heavy, Lexa can tell she's trying to control her feelings. Lexa gives Clarke's hand a soft, comforting squeeze before she slowly wrenches the ball of paper out of her grip. Lexa unfolds it, gently smoothing it out on the kitchen counter. 

"I can't get it right," Clarke says, barely a whisper, but Lexa hears it loud and clear. The defeat in her voice is so rooted in her, that Lexa's sole purpose in this moment is to do whatever is in her power to fix her. Even if it only works for a moment. It's an instinct buried deep inside Lexa. 

Lexa picks up the pencil and writes _'Clarke's beautiful snowflake'_ and an arrow pointing towards what Lexa could only describe as a masterpiece. Then she draws a pathetic version of a tiny snowflake next to Clarke's and an arrow pointing to it and then the words _'Lexa's disaster of a snowflake (yes, it's a snowflake)'_. 

Clarke tries not to, she really does, but a laughter breaks free from her lips. It's laced with pain and sadness and... hope, and Lexa clings onto that string of light like it meant life or death. Lexa looks at Clarke only to find watery blue eyes look back at her. If Clarke's eyes could talk they'd say _'I'm embarrassed you had to witness this meltdown'_ but also _'thank you for bringing me back' _.__

"It looks like a mutated stick man," Clarke confesses, biting her lip. 

Lexa pouts. 

Clarke starts laughing, like genuinely laughing, loudly and warm and Lexa thinks it's a wonderful sight and a beautiful sound. Lexa's surprised expression turns into a proud grin. _'Mission Accomplished'_ , she evaluates, that was easier than she thought it would be. 

"Can I keep this?" Clarke gestures to the wrinkled paper in front of Lexa. Lexa feints indecision, but when she looks into hopeful blue eyes she breaks a soft smile and nods. _'I'd give you thousands of disaster snowflakes if it makes you laugh like that. Anytime'_ , Lexa thinks. 

"Thank you", Clarke responds with a soft smile too. 

No one knows what initiated it, but both Clarke and Lexa turn their gaze towards the doorway at the same time finding that four faces are studying them. Each and everyone of them holding an expression of awe, a hint of amusement and most definitely the lines of a smirk. 

Octavia breaks the silence first, "We heard an unusual sound from the kitchen. Clarke _laughing_? No offense, Clarke, but I can't remember the last time I heard your laughter. I needed to see for myself what that was about," she chirps. 

"Oh, well... It turns out Lexa can't draw a snowflake even if her life depends on it", Clarke muses. Lexa playfully punches her in the shoulder, another pout on her face and Clarke starts laughing again. Lexa scribbles a note and leaves it on the kitchen counter for everyone to read while she gets up, a proud smirk on her face, and pushes through their audience to find the bathroom. 

_'By the look on your friends' faces, I'd say my pathetic snowflake just saved yours... or theirs... I'm not sure._  
_Now excuse me, I must pee'_

* 

Everyone was gathered around the kitchen counter when Lexa returned. Back in her seat, Clarke slips her a piece of paper which she reads quickly, then folds and slips into her pocket along with Clarke's other note. 

It said:  
_'It's only fair I finish up our introduction round. So here goes: Dogs, chocolate ice cream, tea, coffee, hot chocolate.'_

By the end of the night Lexa has made four new friends and Anya is proudly squeezing her shoulder when she slips Raven a note saying _'If you hurt my sister I'll end you'_. Raven responds with a smirk and an "I suppose that's fair." Everyone hugs Lexa goodbye and she can't decide if it's a little uncomfortable, a bit too intimate, or if she's grateful to have met these warm people who seems to like Lexa for who she is. 

Clarke holds a folded piece of paper up in front of Lexa's eyes. She then reaches down to slide it into Lexa's pocket, the one she knows holds at least two other notes. She then proceeds by pulling Lexa into a hug, Clarke's arms encircling Lexa's shoulders, Lexa's arm's cautiously wrapping around Clarke's waist. Lexa is overwhelmed by the intimacy of the hug and she freezes. Clarke's thumb runs circles into her shoulder to reassure her that it's okay. Before ending the hug, Clarke whispers only loud enough for Lexa to hear. "It was nice meeting you, Lexa. Don't be a stranger. If you need to talk or somebody to share the silence with, text me, anytime." Clarke silently retreats to her bedroom and Anya has to punch Lexa's shoulder to get her attention. 

"Come on, sis. Stop flirting with the hot blonde and lets go home," Anya teases, sharing another knowing smirk with Raven. Lexa turns on her heel and pushes Anya so she stumbles into the wall on her way out. Anya barks a laughter and kisses Raven goodbye with a promise of "This is gonna be interesting" and "I'll call you tomorrow." 


	4. Chapter IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short, the next couple of chapters are, actually. But I want them to stand alone, so... I had no choice. 
> 
> This one is the aftermath of Raven's dinner party :) 
> 
> Enjoy!

"Can't sleep?" Anya yawns. 

Lexa shakes her head because _'no, every time I close my eyes I stare into the depths of bright blue ones. I can't get her out of my head'._

"Is that why you're sitting in the living room scowling into the evil darkness?" Anya asks rhetorically. 

Lexa nods. 

"Okay, let me go grab a glass of water and we can have a midnight sister talk," Anya says, running a hand through her hair. 

Lexa closes her eyes as to collect the strength necessary to deal with this and she listens to the subtle noises coming from the kitchen as a cupboard is being opened, a glass is taken down, no, two glasses, then the cupboard is being closed and the faucet is turned on and two glasses are being filled with water. Faucet off again. Anya's naked feet are tapping their way from the kitchen into the hallway, there's that creaky floorboard Lexa always avoids, but Anya doesn't, and lastly Anya steps into the living room. The two glasses of water releases a soft thud against the coffee table and Anya lifts up Lexa's feet so she can slide in under them.

They sit in silence for a little while, Anya chugging down half a glass of water and then thumbs rubbing circles into Lexa's leg. Lexa's mind wanders back to a time when a five-year-old version of herself was afraid of monsters in the closet and Anya, despite being only two years older, braved it up and saved her from them in this exact same way. This time, though, the monster is a different kind and it lives inside herself and that's a lot more scary. Lexa let's out a heavy sigh, a breath full of despair.

"I'm proud of you, Lex. I haven't seen you this carefree since Costia. I don't say it to put any pressure on you in any way. I just... You should know that I'm proud of you for dealing with tonight the way you did," she pads Lexa's knee a few times and Lexa nods, a single tear escaping down her cheek. 

"And I'm so happy you finally got to meet Raven. What do you think? You like?"

Lexa nods and offers Anya a soft smile. Lexa doesn't have a notebook nearby and she knows that Anya noticed. That's why Anya is asking her yes/no questions and Lexa is grateful that Anya knows her so well. She's too overwhelmed to make coherent sentences anyways. 

"I'm glad."

More silence. 

"And Clarke?" Anya says with caution. 

Lexa furrows her eyebrows and then nods again. 

"Is she the reason you can't sleep?" 

Another nod. 

"I figured." Then Anya huffs out a breath, clearly amused by her own thoughts and Lexa sends her a curious look. 

"That last note she slipped you. Was that her number?"

Another nod. Then a blushing smile. 

"She's good for you. And based on what Raven has told me about her, I believe you're good for her too."

Lexa's body tenses but Anya is prepared for that. She knows insinuating _anything_ between her sister and Clarke (well, anyone, really) is a topic that usually leads to Lexa having meltdowns. 

"Lex, hey, it's okay. Again, I'm not pressuring you into anything. And whatever does or does not happen between you and Clarke is not my business, it's totally up to you, whatever you're comfortable with. But I know you, okay? I know that right now you're feeling guilty because you let yourself enjoy Clarke's company. And I know you still miss Costia. Just... If you have to be completely honest, what do you think Costia would want you to do? Be alone and miserable for the rest of your life or hanging out with people who makes you smile?" Anya pauses to let the words sink in before she continues. "Clarke is good people. Enjoying her company doesn't mean you can't miss Costia too."

Lexa's breathing is a bit erratic at this point. Anya is spot on, she does feel guilty. She couldn't pinpoint the feeling before, but Anya's words makes _so much sense_. Lexa finally looks into Anya's eyes, so full of concern, so cautious, like Lexa might crumble into billions of dust particles were she to say another word. 

Lexa nods. She understands what Anya is saying to her. She appreciates her support. If it weren't for Anya, her head would've exploded from overload a long time ago. 

"Costia will always be there if you need to go talk to her." Lexa squeezes her eyes shut in an attempt of shutting the world out and this is an oftentimes played rhythm between the two sisters. Anya squeezes her hand until Lexa nods again. A wordless conversation of "I'm here"s and "I'm okay"s. 

Anya continues, "and this thing with Clarke doesn't have to be anything other than random meetings in the park or the coffee shop... or the occasional dinner party at Raven's place. It doesn't even have to be friendship if you're not comfortable with that. It doesn't have to be anything at all."

Another squeeze, another nod.

"Did she tell you she lost someone too?" 

Again, a nod. 

"Good, now what I'm saying is, if there's anyone in this world who understands where you're coming from, it's Clarke. If you ask me I'm sure you already know that."

Lexa nods again because Anya is right. Clarke never said or did anything to show that she expects anything from her. Maybe Clarke _does_ understand where she's coming from. 

Maybe Lexa _could_ enjoy Clarke's company and still miss Costia. And maybe that's okay. 

Lexa's body slowly relaxes with each thought being untangled and when she starts yawning Anya pats her knee again. 

"I think my job here is done. You okay?"

Lexa nods one last time and releases the last tension in a long slow sigh. Both sisters know what that means. Anya gulps down the last water and goes back to bed. Lexa drags her body to bed too and for the first time that night she doesn't panic when Clarke's blue eyes are all she sees just before she falls asleep. 

*

"Mornin'," Clarke rasps, taking a seat by the kitchen counter. She traces a finger over Lexa's disaster snowflake that's still lying there, smiling to herself. 

"It's 11 am, sleepy head," Raven laughs. "You hungry?" 

"Yeah, the bacon kinda woke me up, I think." 

"I know," Raven grins. She divides scrambled eggs and bacon on two plates and brings them to the counter for her and Clarke. 

Clarke picks up a strip of bacon, takes a bite and moans. "Damn you Rae, this is good."

Raven chuckles, "I know," then smirking.

"You're so full of yourself, Rae", Clarke says, a playful wink. 

Raven shrugs nonchalantly, "Eh!... But speaking of... something completely different. You okay about yesterday? Lexa being the mystery woman, I mean."

"I think so. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda freaking out about it. But this... " she gestures to the snowflake drawing, "... this, just looking at it makes me smile. Like, genuinely and without any worries smile. I can't just ignore that. I _want_ to, it's what I usually do... but it's kinda different now."

Raven nods, keeping silent, hoping Clarke continues on her own.

"It's simple. And easy. And Rae, I haven't slept this good in a long, long time. It scares the shit out of me that someone I barely know affects me this way."

"Is that a bad thing?" Raven wants to know. 

"No. Just a scary thing." Clarke shrugs and Raven smiles into her coffee cup so that Clarke doesn't see it. 

Clarke is clearly deep in thought and Raven studies her for a while before she decides to interfere. 

"To be honest, Clarke, I kinda like what she does to you. I like the way she makes you smile. I mean, I can draw you some disaster snowflakes too," she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, "but I'm pretty sure it won't be the same. At all."

"... yeah", Clarke sighs. "What am I supposed to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"I gave her my number, told her to text me if she needed someone to talk to. Or share the silence with."

Raven drops her fork, Clarke flinches by the sound when it lands on the plate. "You gave her your number? Wow..." Raven pauses, "... And now you regret it?" 

"No. Not at all." Clarke says, and her voice is determined like she's never been more sure of anything in her life. "But I'm scared that I can't follow through. Like, I've promised her something I'm not sure I'm ready to give. She's so fragile and she doesn't need more pain in her life, you know?" 

Clarke pokes some egg around on her plate and shakes her head like she disagrees with something. "What if I hurt her because I'm a coward, or because I can't keep a promise," she says. It's not actually a question, it's more like a statement of a forcasted disaster.

"Oh, Clarke..." Raven's heart breaks over Clarke's defeated posture.

"Listen, I get it, Clarke, I really do. But if you want my two cents, as long as you're honest with her you don't need to worry about hurting her. Just... be honest and don't do anything you're uncomfortable doing. She'll understand."

Clarke just nods, deep in thought, "Thank you, Rae. I appreciate you being serious about this."

"Whaaat? Give me some credit here... I'm _always_ serious," Raven winks and Clarke rolls her eyes. 

"Seriously though," Raven gives Clarke a pointed look to tell her she's back in serious-mode, "how are you holding up? You've been on quite the roller coaster ride of emotions this past week. Yesterday was..." Raven searches for the right words to finish that sentence. 

"... a hell of ride, yeah!" Clarke finishes. "I'm freaking out, Rae. But it's the good kind, I think. I feel lighter, somehow."

"I agree", Raven says, her eyes suddenly moist, overwhelmed by this light version of Clarke in front of her. She's not proud to say it, but it's something she'd given up on ever seeing again.

"Are you crying, Rae?" Clarke teases. "Don't go mushy on me now, you're supposed be the strong one."

"Oh, shut up, asshole!" Raven playfully scolds, as she gets up to pull Clarke into a hug. "Come here, weak one, give me a hug." She squeezes Clarke tightly and they both break out laughing. 

"I missed this Clarke," Raven whispers. 

"Me too," Clarke weakly agrees. 

"I don't want her to disappear again. Am I allowed to say that?"

Clarke chuckles, "I'll do my best not to scare her away."

"I'll kick your ass if you do, Clarke. This is serious Raven speaking and she means business."

"Yes, ma'am, sir!" Clarke mock salutes. 

Raven dramatically inhales, "I take it back. I forgot Old Clarke was a sarcastic asshole."

" _You're_ a sarcastic asshole, Rae," Clarke deadpans. 

"Eh." Raven shrugs. 

A soft chuckle grows in their bellies and climbs up their throats and spill from their lips and it matches the warm morning glow casting through the big kitchen window. 

"So, I've got the day off. Wanna do something?" Clarke asks. 

"Sure. Like what?" Raven rubs her eyes that still sting from the emotional break out.

"I don't know..." Clarke looks to the ceiling, "Anything... You're the genius. Think of something."

Raven chuckles, "So you need a distraction from waiting by the phone?" 

"No." Clarke scoffs.

Raven raises a judgemental eyebrow.

"Maybe," Clarke grins. 

"Yeah," Raven smirks. "Okay, there's a new food market behind the bus terminal I've been meaning to check out... let's do that."

"Okay, " Clarke bites her lip. 

"She will text you, Clarke."

"I know, Rae."


	5. Chapter V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who reads this fic, subscribes, leaves kudos and comments... I have a crush on you. Each and every one of you. <3
> 
> Most of you comment how much you like aspects of this story, one way or another and I'm kinda curious to here if you have any expectations for the development of this fic and if so, what are they? Or something you really don't like? Please do humor me :) 
> 
> Enjoy!

It takes Lexa three weeks to text Clarke. 

Three weeks of stubbornly ignoring the ache in her heart, the ache which Anya the wise ass has dubbed _'you miss her, just text her, you idiot'._

Three weeks of sitting on the bench in the park _not_ wishing for Clarke to randomly walk by. And by _not wishing_ she actually means _more than she cares to admit_.

Three weeks of Anya telling her she was being stupid and acting like a child and "Just text her, Lex. It's not a marriage proposal."

Three weeks of Lexa openly rolling her eyes and silently hyperventilating over Anya's choice of words. 

Three weeks of Lexa staring accusingly at her phone, nervously rubbing her thumb over the screen. 

Three weeks of Anya catching her in the act. 

Three weeks of Anya secretly texting Raven about it, numerous conversations that all went something like this:

Anya:  
_Lil sis is driving me nuts. She's too stubborn to text Clarke... anything we can do to speed things up?_

Raven:  
_Hahaha... I wish! Steal her phone and do it for her?_

Anya:  
_You know what, she's so annoying with her moping around I might actually do it._

Raven:  
_Clarke is moping too... I say, do it! ;)_

Anya:  
_Or... throw one of your dinner parties. Soon. It worked the last time._

Raven:  
_Lame._

Anya:  
_You're lame._

Raven:  
_< 3_

Three weeks of Lexa missing Clarke and hating Anya a little for always being right. 

*

Lexa finally texts Clarke on a Saturday. It's the first day of the year that smells of Spring. The snow is gone and tiny green buds have started to form on the bushes in the park. She sits on the bench turning her phone over in her hands, over and over, her notebook still in her coat pocket. 

There's a boy in the park kicking a blue ball to his dad, and Lexa only sees bright blue eyes. There is bright yellow sunlight everywhere, like an added filter, and Lexa only sees Clarke's bright hair. There are birds singing in the trees and all Lexa hears is Anya's voice loud in her mind, _'just text her, you idiot'._

She sighs defeatedly and unlocks her phone. 

Lexa:  
_Hello Clarke, this is Lexa. I need your help solving a problem.  
If winter equals snowflakes then spring equals ..... ? _

Lexa's heartbeat is racing against time as she impatiently waits for Clarke to reply. She didn't really think this through... waiting for a maybe-reply is _definitely_ worse than maybe-not-texting-to-begin-with. She can't say for sure how long it takes, but it feels like hours of leg bouncing and lip biting and just the hint of insecurity wrapped up in regret, before Clarke's answer ticks in. 

Clarke:  
_Hello yourself :) I believe the answer you're looking for is... Daffodils._

Lexa is smiling like and idiot and she knows it but she doesn't care because Clarke answered her text. Clarke answered her text and Lexa is smiling like an idiot and before she can do anything about it, her phone buzzes again. 

Clarke:  
_Are you going to draw a disaster daffodil for me too? ;)_

Lexa blushes and she's embarrassed by it even though no one is watching her. 

Lexa:  
_Well, if you ask nicely, I'm not sure I know how to say no._

Clarke:  
_Ooh, you could do a Lexa's Seasons Of Disasters and add a disaster sun for Summer and a disaster rain cloud for Autumn._

Lexa:  
_Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke._

Clarke:  
_:)_

Clarke:  
_So... do you want to maybe meet me at the park tomorrow?_

Lexa:  
_Let me know what time and I'll be there._

Clarke:  
_1pm... at the bench?_

Lexa:  
_Perfect. See you tomorrow, Clarke._

Clarke:  
_See you :)_

Lexa stares at her phone for a little longer until her cheeks hurt from all the excessive smiling. She sighs, cursing herself for waiting three weeks. Never have three weeks felt like an eternity before. 

*

Clarke puts down her phone on the kitchen counter, a smile threatening to split her face. She usually stays in her bedroom when she's home, but lately she's been enjoying her free time at the kitchen counter. The natural light falling through the window makes it a great place for drawing. Clarke picks an apple from the fruit bowl and bites off a big chunk. She picks up her pencil and starts drawing, suddenly hit by inspiration. That's where Raven finds her that same afternoon, Clarke lost in her drawing, humming along to mellow folk tunes filling the room. 

Raven stands still in the doorway gaping at the sight in disbelief, she pulls out her phone to snap a photo because  
_'Octavia won't believe me unless I have proof"._

"Honey, I'm home," Raven playfully exclaims. 

"Oh, hey Rae, didn't hear you come in. How was your day?" Clarke says, eyes never leaving the project in front of her. 

"It was kinda awesome, actually. No bad fuck-ups in the lab... and then I came home to my roommate happily humming along to the radio and drawing in the kitchen. All in all, a pretty mindblowingly awesome day." Raven takes a few steps towards Clarke. 

"Oh har har," Clarke rolls her eyes, "Leave me alone, I'm having an epiphany here. Don't ruin it with your sarcasm." Clarke tries, she really does, but she can't hold back the silly grin and Raven picks up on it immediately. 

"Ah, Lexa finally texted you?"

"Yeah."

"Please tell me you texted her back," Raven says, sitting down next to Clarke. 

"Of course I did, Rae." Clarke deadpans, putting down the pencil to look at Raven. "I asked her to meet me at the park tomorrow."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Just to hang out for a bit, you know? Maybe I'll bring along some drawing equipment or something."

Raven nods thoughtfully, "That's awesome, Clarke. And speaking of awesome, I love this piece you're working on." Raven's eyes roam the drawing in front of her. It's a collage of four elements entangled in each other. A daffodil in the middle proudly rising from the ground, spreading its yellow petals like a free bird soaring through the air. The ground is covered in delicate, soft snowflakes and Raven thinks they look like true miniature copies of the the one from the crumbled piece of paper that Clarke has hung on the refrigerator. The upper left corner is a massive sun, warm and mighty and the upper right corner is a stormy cloud angrily throwing rain towards the ground, tiny water drops hanging off the petals of the right side of the daffodil. In the bottom right corner, Clarke has written 'Seasons' and signed her name. 

"Thanks Rae," Clarke blushes. 

"You're welcome Picasso," Raven winks. "What do you say, we order some pizza and bingewatch some Netflix tonight?" 

"Sounds good. You order and I'll clean this up and I'll come join you in a bit?"

"Yep," Raven says leaving Clarke to clean up the kitchen. Before ordering pizza she sends Octavia a text. 

Raven:  
_O, look what I came home to. [the photo of Clarke drawing in the kitchen attached]_

Octavia:  
_You're kidding!_

Raven:  
_Nope. What, the photo is not proof enough? ;) Lexa finally texted her... just saying..._

Octavia:  
_My baby is growing up so fast ;)_

Raven:  
_Haha! Btw, keep Friday open. I think it's time for another dinner party, if you know what I mean ;)_

Octavia:  
_Got it ;)_

Raven orders pizza just in time for Clarke to join her on the couch. 

"How I Met Your Mother?" Raven suggests. 

"Sure," Clarke sighs. 

"You okay?" Raven wonders out loud. 

"Is it pathetic to admit that I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow?" Clarke bites her lip. 

"Kinda", Raven teases. 

Clarke narrows her eyes in a scowl. 

Raven laughs. 

"Just put the damn thing on, Rae!" and Raven does what she's been told and Clarke snuggles into Raven until the pizza arrives. 

Clarke doesn't remember the last time she felt this free. 


	6. Chapter VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a bit nervous about this chapter because I added another couple of hundred words to it yesterday. It was difficult to do because you don't know where the characters are at the end of the story, but I do... and it's really hard going back in time writing who they are in chapter 6 when I have a very strong image of who they are in the last chapter. 
> 
> I'll shut up now. I hope you like this. :)

It's a fine day of March, one of those kind of days that chills your skin a bit too much but you don't care because it's been one of those extraordinarily long, cold winters and the sun is finally out so you take advantage of it while you can.

Lexa goes to the park early. She goes to the park early to visit Costia's bench and to clear her head before Clarke shows up. She goes to the park early because she was restless and impatient and she hoped that coming here early could make time move faster. It surely felt like time stood still while just sitting at home, waiting.

"Is there room for one more on this bench?" the familiar voice asks and the deja vu feeling breaks a soft smile on Lexa's face. She looks up to find Clarke sheepishly grinning at her. Lexa raises an amused eyebrow as she gestures for Clarke to take a seat next to her.

Lexa is nervous. Not the sweaty palms and dry throat kind, but the kind that feeds on a mix of anxiety and excitement. Clarke wants to spend time with her and usually when people wants to spend time with her, they also usually want to talk... and Lexa doesn't speak. So she worries that Clarke is the same, wanting to talk. She worries that Clarke gets bored and regrets meeting with her.

Maybe Clarke can sense Lexa panicking, even if it's just a flicker, because she leans back, closes her eyes and points a satisfied smile towards the sun. Maybe it's just Clarke being Clarke. 

"I missed the sun," Clarke sighs contentedly. "I get why you like this spot. It's got great view over the park and just the right angle for the afternoon sun. Now shush, while I let it soak me up."

Lexa stares at her in disbelief, and if she _did_ speak, she'd be speechless. So she just stares at her because she doesn't know what else to do. She stares at her until she cracks open an eye, a sideways glance playfully challenging Lexa to cross her.

Lexa scrunches her eyes in a dare and then copies Clarke's posture, leaning back and closing her eyes. The sun _does_ actually feel nice upon her skin, nice and warm and it makes her smile. The gesture results in Clarke laughing, loud and uncontrollably and it does _something_ to Lexa, something she wants to be done to her again and again. Right there on the bench, she silently vows to make sure Clarke won't ever stop laughing like that.

"That's what I thought," Clarke sighs victoriously, immediately receiving a soft jab of Lexa's elbow to her side.

"Ouh," Clarke yelps in surprise and starts laughing again. She sneaks a peek at Lexa whose eyes are still shut. Lexa is grinning like a fool and she looks genuinely happy, something Clarke is not sure happens too often. Clarke's heart aches for this silent lonely girl who has shut out the world for so long, too long, and she silently vows to make sure Lexa will continue to feel this happy. 

A comfortable silence settles around them while Clarke admires the colors of early spring and Lexa listens to the music of the birds in the trees. There's an unspoken promise of a blooming friendship between them and it's a promise of more than any of them ever thought possible. 

"So..." Clarke says standing up. Lexa opens her eyes looking up at Clarke with a question mark lifting her eyebrow. 

"Get up, I've got an idea," Clarke says. 

Lexa is confused and a confused Lexa is also a paralyzed Lexa. 

Clarke holds out her hand, wiggling her fingers. "Come on," she smiles. 

To Lexa, Clarke is a confident independent woman. Clarke is broken, yes, but beautifully so, and clearly so strong it makes her shine like the sun. 

What Lexa doesn't know is that Clarke didn't mean to offer Lexa her hand. It's a gesture that surprises Clarke more than it probably does Lexa. It's a gesture happening instinctively and Clarke hates herself a little because of it because maybe Lexa isn't comfortable with it, maybe she overstepped her boundaries. 

So Clarke is panicking a little inside. She doesn't want to scare off Lexa and she knows she needs to be cautious not to do so. She knows she needs to be cautious not to scare herself off too. And maybe, just maybe, she's using Lexa's fragile state of mind to camouflage her own fears.

Lexa grabs her hand cautiously and dwells in the soft skin against her own. Clarke softly pulls her up from the bench and starts pulling her in the direction towards... well, Lexa doesn't know where they're going. Her eyes fall to their hands still holding on to each other and when she looks up again she meets Clarke's worried eyes. 

"Sorry... I... " Clarke stutters letting go of Lexa's hand, but Lexa won't have it and she squeezes Clarke's hand once before entwining their fingers. 

Two hearts racing. Two sets of eyes shyly cast towards the pavement moving beneath their feet. Two girls with a hint of a blush and insecure smiles overtaking their faces. Two girls slightly panicking inside because this is the first time in a long time they've felt alive and it's a terrifying feeling. 

Lexa forgets that Clarke is taking her somewhere, honestly, she forgets time. The only thing on her mind is Clarke's hand in hers and the impossible task of quieting down her heart. 

Clarke is a woman with a plan. That plan wasn't to grab Lexa's hand, believe it or not, it just sort of happened. Clarke is doing all she can to keep to the plan, though. She's panicking a little bit, but she doesn't want Lexa to know, so she keeps on moving towards her destination. Through the park, across the street. Breathing in two three four out to three four five six. Again. Lexa gives her hand another squeeze and it seems to Clarke that Lexa's warmth seeps into her hand, into her veins and fills her body to the rim. Suddenly, Clarke doesn't panic anymore and she looks up realising she has almost reached her destination. 

Clarke slows down, gives Lexa's hand a squeeze back before she lets go. 

"Stay here, I'll be right back." 

Lexa watches Clarke walk into an ice cream shop, undeniably missing the touch of her hand. She frowns at herself and slowly breathes out through her nose, the tension that's building in her flowing along with it. She wonders if maybe she likes Clarke more than she's supposed to given the very short time they've known each other. She wonders if they will become friends, if Clarke wants to keep hanging out with her. She would very much like that, in fact. Clarke makes her look forward to things, to their next meeting, whatever that may be. Lexa hasn't been looking forward to something in a very long time. It's exhilarating and she likes it. 

Lexa's train of thought is interrupted by Clarke stepping out of the shop with a scoop of ice cream in each hand. 

"Turn that frown upside down", she says, handing over a scoop of ice cream for Lexa. "Vanilla for you, chocolate for me," Clarke grins. 

Lexa accepts the ice cream matching Clarke's grin. 

"Come on", Clarke says as she starts walking back to the park. 

They find a bench, another bench. It's not Costia's bench but Lexa is okay with that. For the first time in eight years Lexa is not visiting the park in memory of Costia and she thinks that she could get used to having Clarke around. For now though, she savors every minute she gets with her on this bench this afternoon. 

*

There's a comfort in the silence enveloping the two women on the bench. Their ice cream long gone, the sun slowly moving across the sky. Clarke reluctantly gets up because she needs to get ready for work and Lexa tries to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach. 

"So... I need to go..." Clarke says and Lexa thinks she hears disappointment in her voice. Lexa nods, maybe slightly disappointed too.

"Thank you for meeting me. I had a great time," Clarke smiles softly. 

Lexa pulls out her small notebook to write Clarke a note. 

_'Me too. Next time, ice cream is on me'_. 

Clarke chuckles and Lexa melts. 

"Deal." Clarke smiles putting her hands in her pockets. 

Lexa rises and gestures for Clarke to move, that she'll follow her out the park. They walk silently through the park, arms brushing against each other once in a while and when they reach the park gate, Clarke stops and pulls Lexa into a hug. Lexa suddenly realizes that she's been missing this, Clarke's hugs, and she melts into her arms soaking up all that is Clarke. Lexa is a bit taller and she kind of likes the fact that she can envelope Clarke in her arms, that Clarke naturally leans into the crook of her neck. It's intimate but Lexa doesn't care anymore. She tried to ignore Clarke for three weeks and failed miserably. Giving in is _so_ worth it, come what may. 

Clarke is again afraid that she overstepped some boundary, but she couldn't _not_ hug her. Her body craved it, like a magnet searching for its counterpoint. Clarke needed to tell her how great a time she had and she couldn't find the words. So she hugged her. And when she feels Lexa's arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer, she sighs. Clarke feels safe in Lexa's arms and she's overwhelmed by the scent of... _Lexa_ , like the sun and fresh air and something citrus-like and when they eventually break the hug, a tear trails down her cheek. 

Lexa frowns and she cups Clarke's face carefully wiping away tears with her thumbs. Clarke closes her eyes and leans into the touch and Lexa watches her carefully, not quite sure what she did to make Clarke cry, not quite sure what to do to make her feel better. 

"I'm okay", Clarke whispers. She brings her hands up to Lexa's, giving them a reassuring squeeze. "I... it feels good hugging you... I guess I got a little overwhelmed by it..." she says, her gaze dropping to the gravel dirt beneath their feet. 

Lexa knows overwhelmed. It happens to her more often than she cares to admit and it usually shuts her down completely. An overwhelmed Lexa needs time and space and maybe that's what Clarke needs too. 

"I'm sorry," Clarke says, choking on her words, hating herself for being this vulnerable in front of Lexa. 

Lexa instinctively pulls Clarke in again for another hug, leaving a soft kiss on the top of her head. She hopes that Clarke gets the message _'Don't apologize. I understand. It's okay'_. She hopes that Clarke finds comfort in her arms and she thinks she has succeeded when Clarke whispers a "thank you" into her shoulder. 

"I really need to go, Lexa. I'm sorry I'm killing the mood. I really did have a great time. I'll text you, okay?" Clarke let's go of Lexa, a sad smile on her face. 

Lexa watches Clarke walk away, across the street and around the corner, a sad smile enveloped by golden hair and teary blue eyes haunting her. Her heart aches so badly. She hates letting Clarke go looking like that and she wishes she could've done more, something... anything. 

If Clarke had looked back over her shoulder she'd seen tears falling down Lexa's cheeks too. All Clarke does see is the memory of concerned green eyes telling her it's okay. All she feels is the burning sensation left where Lexa's thumbs wiped away her tears and the spot where Lexa left a gentle kiss. She thinks maybe she likes Lexa more than she's supposed to. 

The only other person that has ever overwhelmed her like this was Finn. Finn and his warm brown eyes and his terrible, terrible jokes that always made her laugh. Finn that was so brutally stolen from her in a car accident. The same car accident that had ruined Raven's leg. The same car accident that left Clarke with only superficial bruises and a broken heart. Mingling with these memories are Lexa's green eyes and Clarke feels safe. Well, safe enough. 

*

Clarke has an evening shift at the hospital and it's a hard one. It's hard for her to concentrate on the job because she can't stop thinking about Lexa. She didn't mean to fall apart like that in front of her and she knows that Lexa worries about her. 

It's past 9pm before Clarke is able to a take break and the first thing she does is get her phone from her locker to send Lexa the promised text, not because she promised her but because she needs to. For her own sake. 

Clarke:  
 _I'm sorry about earlier. Are you okay?_

Lexa:  
 _Are YOU okay?_

Clarke:  
 _I am._

Lexa:  
 _Then I am too._

Clarke:  
 _Good. Just wanted to make sure that you didn't go to bed worrying about me._

Lexa:  
 _Would you tell me if it was something I did?_

Clarke:  
 _I swear, Lexa. I had a really great time and you were the perfect company :) I just got a little overwhelmed and it surprised me. It's not something I'm used to deal with. I'm okay now. I promise!_

Lexa:  
 _Okay. Then I also promise I won't go to bed worrying about you :)_

Clarke:  
 _Thank you! I've got to go, my break is almost over. I'll text you tomorrow._

Lexa:  
 _Of course, Clarke. And if it wasn't obvious I had a great time today too. Take care, we'll talk tomorrow. If nothing else, I'll see you on Friday for Raven's dinner party._

And that's all it took for Clarke to get the weight off her shoulders. The rest of her shift is over before she knows it and instead of worrying about Lexa she let's the memories of ice cream in the park bring a smile to her face, one of those smiles that settles in her eyes and warms her heart.


	7. Chapter VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, with this chapter we're about halfway through the story. I'm considering ideas for a sequel or maybe a collection of one-shots set in this universe and these characters. Would you be interested in reading that? (and would you prefer a multi chapter sequel or one-shots) 
> 
> Are you ready for another one of Raven's dinner parties? 
> 
> Let me just say one, I'm sorry and two, you're welcome (it's one of those chapters, yes) 
> 
> I truly hope you like it.

Raven is having another Friday dinner party and this time Lexa doesn't need to be persuaded to join. 

Anya had asked her Sunday night and Lexa smiled and nodded maybe a little too soon and Anya was then smirking maybe a little too much.

This time, a grinning Clarke opens the door when Anya attacks the buzzer. Her blue eyes glowing as she catches Lexa's eyes, something that doesn't go unnoticed by Anya. 

"Hello Clarke," she smirks. "Lexa has been smiling like a fool all week, I had my suspicions of you being the cause and I see now that I was right. You look like a fool too." She winks at Clarke, giving her a hello hug before entering the apartment. 

Clarke blushes. Lexa even more so. 

"Hi Lexa, it's good to see you again. Please come in." Lexa steps in and Clarke closes the door behind her. Clarke pulls her into a hug, squeezing her closer as it was a source of strength that Clarke desperately needed and Lexa realizes that she kind of missed her a little. She didn't know, but Clarke kind of missed her too. 

"Come on, let's join the others," Clarke says moving towards the living room. 

Raven jumps from Anya's lap to greet Lexa with a warm hug. "Good to see you again, Lexa."

Lexa answers with her signature greeting nod and takes a seat on the couch next to Clarke.

Lexa is not nervous this time and she enjoys listening to the other three catching up. Lincoln and Octavia arrives just when dinner is ready. 

"Hey everyone! Sorry we're late, we brought dessert!" Octavia says enthusiastically. 

"Brownies?" Raven hopes. 

"What else?" Octavia deadpans. 

"I love you!" Raven squeals.

Raven and Clarke had prepared homemade pizzas for dinner. "I know it doesn't sound fancy, but trust me, this is _the_ best pizza you'll ever have!" Clarke says and everyone else agrees with hums and nods and Lexa reciprocates Clarke's grin. 

_'Sounds delightful. Need help with anything?'_ Lexa scribbles. 

"Sure, come along... I'll find you something to do," Raven says. She has everything under control and doesn't actually need help but Lexa doesn't know that. All Raven wants is to have Lexa alone for a few minutes. 

Once in the kitchen Raven orders Lexa to take a seat, she wants to show her something. She picks up Clarke's sketchbook and shuffles to the page with the seasons drawing. 

Lexa's eyes widen in awe. She wants to trace her index finger along the lines but she's afraid to ruin it so she holds her hand silently above the paper, drinking in all the details. 

"She drew this one last Saturday, the day you texted her? I just thought I wanted to show you that you're having a huge impact on her. It's a good thing, by the way," Raven says, opening the fridge to get the cold beverage. 

Lexa remembers. The daffodil and Clarke's seasons of disaster idea. An amused smile spreads across Lexa's face. 

"I take it you know what this is about?" Raven smirks. 

Lexa looks at her and nods. She pulls out her own notebook and quickly draws a copy of Clarke's drawing. It looks like a child's drawing. Everything is so badly done and Lexa doesn't even care, she knows she can't draw to safe her life. She finishes it with the words _Seasons of Disaster_ and her name signed in the corner. Lexa is grinning all the way to the fridge where she hangs it next to the snowflake drawing. 

Raven sneaks a peak over Lexa's shoulder. "This is awesome. She's gonna flip when she sees this," Raven grins. "So, what's the story?"

Lexa shrugs, smirking.

Raven laughs, "You devil, it's a secret?"

Lexa shrugs again, still smirking. 

"Mh.. okay... alright... Seriously though. I'm glad she has you, Lexa. She has been broken for so long. It's nice to see her smile again."

Lexa scribbles. 

_'It goes both ways'_

Raven nods, comprehension clear in her eyes. 

*

After dinner Lincoln challenges Lexa to a game of chess and he's good but not good enough. Lexa is thoughtfully biting her lip planning her winning strategy. Clarke is watching her intently thinking that she looks goddamn adorable. With each of Lincoln's chess pieces leaving the board Lexa quietly grins and Lincoln sighs.

Octavia requests that Raven brings out her guitar for some sing along and Raven, Clarke and Octavia are singing all the campfire classics they know, 'ain't no sunshine', 'hotel California', 'let it be' etc. Lexa knows them all by heart. She has played them countless times... Well, before Costia died, anyways.

Lexa declares Lincoln checkmate and he sighs in defeat. "You're good, Lexa, I need a rematch when I'm sober," he grins. 

Lexa leans back in her chair to enjoy the music. She thinks Clarke has a nice voice, raspy, like when she chuckles. She admires the friendship the three girls have, and she smiles knowingly when Raven winks at Anya and Anya blushes.

By the end of 'California Dreaming' Anya looks at Lexa. "You're gonna grace us with a performance, sis?"

Lexa's eyes widen in horror, because hell no she isn't. She hasn't picked up a guitar or played the piano since Costia died, well no, she hasn't _sung_ since Costia died. She gives the instruments a chance once in a while but it always breaks her heart doing it, instantly missing Costia. There's no way she's going to do that in front of everyone.

"You play?" Raven asks curiously. 

"The guitar, the piano... Singing even. She's a musical genius, actually," Anya proudly announces.

Lexa frowns. Everyone is staring at her and it's too much. She clenches her jaw and shakes her head as in saying _'no, just let it go'_. The part of her that loves music is so entangled with memories of Costia that she can't even begin to explain why she gave it up. 

"Well, if you change your mind, the guitar is here all night," Raven says, strumming the beginning of a new song. 

And then Lexa freezes. Anya too. 

_"Sittin' in the morning sun"_

Raven sings and Lexa's mind short-circuits. Images of Costia's golden eyes smiling at her, admiring her as Lexa sings that particular song for her. It was Costia's favourite. And Lexa did a beautiful rendition of it. It was their song.

_"I'll be sittin' when the evening comes"_

Octavia joins in. Lexa stops breathing, or she forgets to breathe, she doesn't know the difference anymore. She can feel Anya's worried eyes on her but she can't deal with that right now. 

She tries deep, controlled breaths. She tries shutting her eyes closed to shut out everything, but nothing helps. All she sees is Costia in a hospital bed taking her last breath while Lexa holds her hand humming that song for her. She remembers Costia's last breath and her body turning cold. She remembers the emptiness that followed. The silence. 

She remembers losing her voice. 

_"Watching the ships roll in"_

They sing and Lexa needs to get out of here. Now. Right now. 

_"Then I watch them roll away again"_

Octavia and Raven continues, oblivious to what happens across the living room. 

Lexa starts shaking, gasping for air. She doesn't know it, but both Anya and Clarke are watching her carefully, ready to interfere. Anya knows what this song does to her, Clarke knows a panic attack when she sees one, both from own experience and from work. 

_"I'm just sitting at the dock of the bay... "_

Lexa gets up shakily and runs into the hallway and through to the kitchen, the one room in this place she associates with feeling safe. Anya and Clarke runs after her. By the time they get to her she's crying crumbled on the floor. Anya knows the drill, but before she gets to her, Clarke slides to the floor picking up Lexa. 

"Lexa, hey, it's okay. Look at me." Lexa doesn't respond, just... gasping for air. 

Clarke takes Lexa's right hand and places it across her heart. She then places her own hand across Lexa's heart. 

"Lexa, take a deep breath with me, okay? Just... humor me." Clarke takes a deep breath making sure Lexa can feel her chest rising with it. "One two three four. And then out." Clarke exhales slowly counting to six. 

"Do it with me, Lex. In two three four.... out two three four five six," Clarke says. 

And maybe it's the way Clarke says her name, her voiced laced with genuine concern. Maybe it's because she has noticed Clarke do the breathing exercise herself before, maybe it's the hand on Clarke's chest or maybe it's Clarke's hand on _her_ chest. Maybe it's all of it. Lexa tries, she really does, she takes a sharp inhale and nearly chokes and Clarke is with her. 

"It's good, Lex. Good job. Try again for me, okay? I'll do it with you." Clarke takes in a long stream of air, steadily filling her lungs, a tiny smile working its way to her lips as she feels Lexa's lungs do the same. 

"Good. Now exhale slowly," and they do it together. 

Lexa is still gasping a little, still crying, still shutting her eyes tight. 

"One more time." Clarke leads and Lexa follows. 

"You know, I've got vanilla ice cream in the freezer if you'd like some," Clarke says, her voice so caring, so soft, so... just for Lexa. And Lexa takes a deep breath on her own, without Clarke's help and the gasping stops. Lexa opens her eyes and all she sees is blue. Bright blue eyes. Watery blue eyes. And Lexa sniffles and smiles tiredly, letting out a long last breath of tension. She then reaches up with her free hand to thumb away Clarke's tears. When did she start crying? Clarke cups Lexa's hand and gives it a squeeze. She then pulls Lexa closer leaning her forehead against Lexa's. 

"Thank you, Lex," Clarke whispers.

Lexa doesn't know what for, because _she's_ the one who should thank Clarke for helping her through this panic attack so Lexa shakes her head because, _'no that's not right'_. 

Clarke nods against her and says, "I mean it," she gives Lexa's hand another squeeze, "Thank you for trusting me on this."

Anya is shocked. She knows first hand how hard it is to get Lexa out of these panic attacks, mostly she ends up dragging Lexa into a shower fully clothed, because water calms her down. Lexa hasn't had one for a long time, she has learned to avoid situations that triggers it. Anya hates herself for not stopping it earlier, she saw the signs but hoped that maybe Lexa could hold it down herself. 

Anya is watching the two on the floor in awe. She knew they'd connected but didn't realize how strongly so until this moment and her heart is aching for both of them, hoping they'll continue to explore their connection. It seems they both need it.

"Thank _you_ , Clarke," Anya says. 

As if on cue, Lexa collapses against Clarke's body and Clarke pulls her arms around Lexa's shoulders, holding her tight. She sends Anya a sad smile. 

"A glass of water and sleep, maybe?" Clarke quietly asks and Anya nods. 

"That usually does the trick. I should take her home, but maybe if she can borrow a bed for a couple of hours...? It's inevitably easier."

"Of course," Clarke says, "help me get her off the floor?"

Anya and Clarke makes a great team, one on each side of Lexa, guiding her almost asleep body to Clarke's bedroom. 

"My room is farther away from the living room," Clarke explains as they lay down Lexa on the bed, tugging her in. 

Clarke leaves to pick up some water, some painkillers and Lexa's notebook if she needs it. Meanwhile Anya sits down next to Lexa, running a hand through her hair. 

"I'm sorry, sis. It's my fault. I didn't stop it sooner," Anya defeatedly admits. "Forgive me."

Lexa is somewhere between asleep and not quite awake, but she still manages to find Anya's hand to give it a squeeze, _'it's okay, I'm okay'_. Anya still blames herself, though, and Lexa knows. They sit like that for a while until Anya breaks the silence, trying to brighten the mood. 

"You know sis, there _are_ easier ways to get into a beautiful woman's bed. Next time, tell me and I'll give you a few tricks," Anya teases, her voice still laced with sadness. 

Lexa blushes, then shakes her head and turns her face into the pillow so Anya can't see the sheepish look on her face. 

"Listen to your sister, Lexa, she's a smart woman," Clarke says from the doorway. Anya and Clarke is sharing a smirk while Lexa just shakes her head again. If she had the energy she'd push Anya off the bed. The idea alone brings Lexa enough satisfaction to let it go. 

"There you go, Lex. Water, painkillers if needed and your notebook." Clarke puts it all down on the bedside table. 

Anya gets up to leave the bedroom, but Clarke needs to check on Lexa before she can leave her too. 

"I'll be right there, Anya. Give us a minute?"

"Of course."

Clarke sits down next to Lexa and softly runs a hand through her hair. She stops the movement as she reaches her neck and starts massaging it lightly. Lexa immediately lets go of a tension filled breath she didn't know was still stuck inside her. 

"I'm sorry you had to experience that, Lex," Clarke says. "Just... you're in my room, and stay here for as long as you need, okay? And text me or Anya if you need anything. The ice cream offer still stands." 

Lexa nods cautiously, so _so_ close to falling asleep. 

"Okay," Clarke says before leaning in and planting a gentle kiss on Lexa's temple. 

Clarke gets up, and closes the door behind her. She takes a moment to close her eyes and to take a few deep breaths before joining the others. 

*

Anya finds the others cleaning up in the kitchen. 

"Don't let this ruin the fun, she's okay. Please? Lexa wouldn't want to have caused the party to disrupt," Anya says. 

Three worried faces looking at her. 

"Just... Maybe put on some coffee or tea and a movie? Clarke will join us in a second," Anya tries. 

"Okay, babe," Raven says pulling Anya into a hug. "We can do that. You up for it O? Linc?"

The couple nods, sad smiles to their faces. "Dips on the movie pick", Octavia exclaims.

"No!" Lincoln groans. "No musicals. Please."

Octavia smirks but reassures him she'll leave the musical genre alone tonight. 

"So... Tell me to butt out, okay? What happened?" Raven asks her girlfriend. 

Raven's heart breaks when she sees the pain in Anya's eyes. 

"It's the song, Rae. It was Costia's favorite song and she always sang it to her. In fact, she sang her that song as Costia took her last breath. It... erh... " Anya's voice breaks thinking about how much it broke Lexa losing Costia. 

"Shit, I'm sorry, baby." Raven comforts her, leaving kisses on her forehead. 

Just then Clarke enters the kitchen, having heard all of Anya's explanation. She thinks about losing Finn and how riding in cars still causes her to panic. Doing all in her power to stop the tears from falling, she goes to the fridge for a coke but her hand freezes on the door handle when she sees Lexa's new addition. A rendition of her own Seasons drawing in Lexa's mutant stick man style. 

Clarke snorts. Then smiles. 

"Your sister is a remarkable woman, Anya," Clarke says, eyes still glued to the drawing. 

"I know," Anya smirks. "Do I need to give you the sister talk?"

Clarke chuckles, finally opening the fridge to get the coke. 

"You might as well," Raven joins in."I'm gonna give Lexa the best friend talk too," Raven winks at Clarke who rolls her eyes at them. 

"So... dinner party turned movie night, Clarke, you in?" Octavia says. 

"Sure. Just... No musicals tonight", Clarke sighs exaggeratedly and Lincoln and Raven can't hold back their laughter at this point. 

"Oh shut up, guys. Fix the coffee, the tea and bucketloads of popcorn... and I'll go find us a movie", Octavia dictates. 

*

A calm quiet fills the room as they all settle into comfy couches and Octavia puts on Monsters Inc. because, "I don't know about you, but I need some cheering up" and no one disagrees. 

When the movie is over, Octavia and Lincoln decides to call it a night. Lincoln makes Anya promise to tell Lexa that he had a great time playing chess with her. They hug their goodbyes and leave. 

"I should probably go wake up Lex too," Anya says, turning towards Clarke's bedroom, but Clarke stops her. 

"You don't have to. Stay with Raven, let Lexa sleep and I can take the couch," Clarke offers. 

Anya admits it sounds tempting. Getting Lexa home in this state will not be easy. 

"I appreciate the offer, Clarke, but I don't want to make you sleep on the couch because of my mess of a little sister," Anya declines. 

"I'm serious, Anya. It's okay, really. I sleep on this couch all the time. Just... keep it down", she smirks, "and we're all good."

Raven blushes, Anya smirks in response. 

"I need to grab a change of clothes anyways, so I'll go check on her. Don't worry," Clarke says. 

*

Clarke finds Lexa in the same position she left her in. Water, pills and notebook still untouched. She kneels next to the bed and softly rubs Lexa's shoulder until she squeezes her eyes, a sign she's no longer asleep. 

"Hey Lex, it's okay, it's me", the words like velvet on Clarke's tongue and like silk on the tip of Lexa's ears. 

Lexa opens her eyes and is immediately engulfed in the big blue ocean of Clarke's eyes. Slowly, the evening comes back to her and she frowns. 

Clarke lifts her hand to run her fingers through soft chestnut hair.

"Turn that frown upside down", she says and earns a fragile smile in return. 

"Linc and O left and I told Anya she should stay with Rae tonight. You stay here and I'll take the couch."

Lexa doesn't want to be a burden, so she pulls herself up into a sitting position, rubbing her eyes. She takes the notebook to write her argument for Clarke. 

_'This is your bed. I'll take the couch'_

Clarke chuckles. "I don't think so, Lex." She gets up to leave the room and with a hand on the door handle she says, "I left some clothes for you on the bed if you need something to sleep in and there's a new toothbrush on the sink for you... and if you need anything don't hesitate to come and get me." She doesn't leave until Lexa agrees with a defeated nod.

*

Lexa doesn't go back to sleep. She tries, but she can't. The borrowed sleeping shorts and the too big t-shirt smells like Clarke. The bed smells like Clarke. This is Clarke's room and its _so Clarke_. She studies the painting above the bed and wonders if Clarke painted it, she probably did. 

Lexa rubs her eyes with the heel of her hands and sighs. She gets up to use the bathroom and to grab some more water. A dim light is still on in the living room and she wonders if Clarke is still awake too or fell asleep before turning it off. 

She sneaks a peak into the living room and yes, Clarke is still awake, drawing in her sketchbook. 

"Oh, hey. You okay?" Clarke asks, concern written on her face. 

Lexa nods. Are _you_ okay, she wants to know. She wants to apologize for her meltdown and she wants to tell Clarke that she appreciates all she's done for her. Lexa frowns and leaves to pick up her notebook from Clarke's room. She comes back to a Clarke that has put down her own sketchbook and about to get up, probably to check on Lexa. 

Lexa takes a seat next to her and starts writing. Clarke waits patiently, watching Lexa bite her lip in concentration. 

Lexa hands over the finished note anxiously waiting for Clarke to read it. 

_'I'm sorry you had to witness that, but thank you for helping me through it. Are YOU okay?'_

"Don't worry, I understand. It happens to me too sometimes," Clarke finds Lexa's eyes. "I'm just glad that what works on me works on you too. And yes, I'm okay. If you're okay, I'm okay."

Clarke smiles softly at her. 

"Can't sleep?"

Lexa shakes her head. 

"Me neither. You can stay here if you want. Until you're ready to go back to sleep."

Lexa's eyes fall to her notebook as she scribbles a _'thank you'_ for Clarke. 

"Here, lie down and throw your feet up," Clarke suggests patting her thigh. Lexa thinks that maybe it's a bit too intimate because they still don't know each other that well but her heart aches and being close to Clarke eases the pain, so she gives in and lies down on the couch, her legs in Clarke's lap. 

*

Lexa falls asleep to Clarke rubbing circles into her shins and calves. 

Lexa looks peaceful and calm. 

Clarke smiles at the sight. 

*

Clarke falls asleep shortly after, still in a sitting position. 

*

Clarke wakes up in the middle of the night because Lexa stirrs underneath her. Underneath her? Clarke must have somehow slided down next to her, her head leaning on Lexa's stomach, an arm across her waist, their legs entangled. 

Lexa continues stirring, her head moving sideways in quick jerks and Clarke realizes she's having a nightmare. 

"No... No don't... Don't leave me... Please, no... ". The words fall off Lexa's lips like shuddering breaths and desperate whispers. 

Clarke's heart stops beating, Lexa is talking in her sleep. She's talking. In her sleep. And she's having a nightmare and Clarke can hear the pain and the sorrow laced in Lexa's voice. Clarke scoots closer to Lexa's face, cupping her cheek, brushing her thumb against her cheek bone. 

"Hey, hey. It's okay, you're okay!" Clarke whispers.

Lexa's eyes shoot up staring into the blue ocean and she immediately calms down. Tears forming in her eyes. 

"It's okay. You're safe," Clarke says, brushing away the tears that spill. She pulls Lexa into a comforting hug, rubbing circles on her back while Lexa's death grip on her shirt releases little by little until both of them fall asleep again. 

That's how Anya and Raven finds them the next morning. They silently share knowing smiles and happy kisses in the bliss of this Saturday morning while cooking breakfast. 

"I'm so happy for them," Raven beams, nearly whispering over the rim of her coffee cup. 

Anya smiles, "Then I'll let you have the privilege of waking them up." 

"No need, the bacon will wake up Clarke," Raven winks. 

Anya leans in to brush a kiss against Raven's neck. "Your roommate is a remarkable woman, Rae," she repeats Clarke's words from last night. 

"I know," Raven grins.


	8. Chapter VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next chapter are both a little short and I did consider merging them into one, but I didn't because one, I want the next chapter to stand alone and two, merging two chapters would mean the story would have thirteen chapters and I don't feel that number at all ;) 
> 
> Consider listening to the song After The Storm (Mumford & Sons) in addition to this chapter <3
> 
> This was soo hard to write, I hope you like it.  
> Enjoy! 
> 
> Ps. also, it's not much yet, but I've created a twitter account to go with my fanfics. I'm AnonBeMe over there as well, if you want to say hi.

There's the calm _before_ the storm and then there's the calm _after_ storm. 

The first one holds promises of the uncertain kind. It's when you know that thunderstorms or other kinds of wrecking phenomena will hit you and you have this unsettling feeling it will get really bad but you never know just how bad it's going to get so you prepare as best you can to shield yourself from the wrath of the storm to come. Sometimes if you're in bad luck you don't see the storm coming at all and you don't get to prepare for it so the damage it leaves is so much worse, unfathomable even. 

The latter happens after the storm, after the thunder and the wrecking hits you. There's this moment of recognition that you survived the storm and you might've taken damage but none of that matters because you're grateful to just be alive, you're okay. And you draw an immense amount of strength from that knowledge alone and for just one moment, one calm moment, you feel so alive and so powerful that you're convinced you can conquer the world. That one moment is all you need.

Lexa has been awake for a while but doesn't know what time it is and she doesn't really care. There's a hazy golden morning light streaming in through the windows of Clarke and Raven's living room and it draws undetectable patterns on the back of the couch and it makes Lexa smile because warm golden mornings is the perfect canvas against the sleeping Clarke in her arms.

Lexa is drinking in the comfort of Clarke's body against hers, the veil of safe and calm wrapped around them. There's a tingling just beneath her skin and it flows through her veins like an adrenaline rush and she wonders how is she able to exist in this pocket of time without combusting into dust. 

When she lost Costia, her heart shut down. She was going to propose to her, someday. She didn't think anyone could ever fill the void left when Costia died. No one could ever replace her. No one can. 

Meeting Clarke has changed her and she's scared but also excited. Clarke lost someone too and Lexa can feel in her gut that Clarke understands this about her, just like Lexa understands this about Clarke too. 

Anya's voice is strong in the back of her mind, _'Enjoying her company doesn't mean you can't miss Costia too'_. Lexa knows that she's right. Her annoying know-it-all sister is right. If Lexa must be honest, she knows she never really stood a chance. From the first meeting on the bench, Clarke has carved herself a place in Lexa's heart and it grown in size ever since. She realizes that it's not taking any of the space saved for Costia, it just... exists right there next to it. Where Costia's space is filled with daffodils and golden eyes and music, Clarke's space is blue oceans and comforting hugs and mutant stick man drawings. And both spaces thrive keeping Lexa's heart beating.

She lies there, entangled in a heap of Clarke wondering if perhaps she has a space in Clarke's heart too, if Clarke will like waking up on a couch entangled in Lexa like this too. 

Anya and Raven are quietly moving around the kitchen and Lexa hears things being chopped up and coffee brewing and the smell of bacon is hitting her nostrils.

Lexa's mind suddenly overflows with melancholy, because yeah, she has to get up off this couch eventually. Her heart misses Clarke just thinking about it. 

*

Bacon. 

Clarke smells bacon. 

It teases her nose and it tickles her taste buds. She hums in delight and sleepily mumbles something Lexa thinks might be 'mmmh bacon', but she can't be sure. Clarke feels Lexa smile against her shoulder. 

"Goodmorning, Lex," Clarke croaks. "You okay?"

Lexa nods, because yes, she's more than okay. 

"Did you sleep alright?" Clarke wants to know. 

Lexa nods again, because yes, she slept better than alright. 

Clarke hums again. Waking up entangled in Lexa is really nice. Bacon or not, Clarke's heart is nearly bursting. She thinks about how Finn made her feel safe in his arms and she smiles at the idea that she's making Lexa feel safe too. She thinks about how Raven envelopes her in warmth and security when nightmares of the car accident keeps her awake at night. She thinks about feeling that warmth tenfold right now being the one holding Lexa. 

She thinks about having the weekend off not wanting Lexa to leave. She thinks about giving up bacon to just stay there on the couch a little longer.

She groans. 

Lexa lifts her head to meet Clarke's eyes, worried what Clarke's groan means. 

Clarke looks at her with a soft and kind of sad look. She sighs and then whispers, "Is it okay to admit that I don't want this moment to end?" and she draws random patterns on Lexa's shoulder to distract herself from the embarrassment of having just admitted that. 

Lexa smiles softly and when Clarke blushes, she leans in and plants a kiss to Clarke's forehead, letting it linger longer than necessary, but it still feels too short. Lexa wants to stay in this moment too. 

"Raven knows that the smell of bacon wakes me up," Clarke explains. She plants a nearly there kiss on Lexa's nose, grinning as she crawls over Lexa to get out of the couch. "Come on," she says, grabbing Lexa's hand pulling her up and towards the kitchen. 

*

"Mmmh, bacon," Clarke hums as she hugs Raven from behind. "Best roomie ever!"

"Someone's in a good mood," Raven smirks sharing a knowing look with Anya. 

"Someone got cozy on the couch," Anya teases, winking at Lexa, "How did you go from crashing in Clarke's bed to joining her on the couch?"

Lexa blushes and Clarke chuckles. She knows the truth but doesn't want to overstep Lexa's trust, so she doesn't say anything, she just... silently admires the adorableness of Lexa's blushing. 

Lexa goes back to the living room to get her notebook and comes back beaming victoriously, pushing a crumbled piece of paper down the back of Anya's shirt. 

"Lex!" she screams like only an annoyed sibling does. She pulls out the paper, uncrumbles it, reads it and shakes her head. 

_'It's morning. Only yes/no questions allowed!'_

"Well how do you suppose I do that? Yes-no questions work because all you do is routine... and this, dear sis, ..." she gestures between Lexa and Clarke, " _this_ is new and _so_ not routine. So tell me, how did you end up on the couch?" Anya challenges Lexa with a teasing smirk. 

Lexa looks at Anya with calculating eyes, the same way she analyzed the chess board last night. Anya is still smirking, but her jaw drops when Lexa writes a new note. 

_'No'_

"I can't believe this.. my own sister keeping secrets from me! Clarke?" Anya's hopeful eyes land on Clarke as she takes a seat by the kitchen counter. "I need details, Clarke." 

"Eh, that would be a no as well. My lips are sealed," she says, sharing a smile with Lexa. 

Raven laughs, planting a kiss of consolation on Anya's cheek as she places eggs and bacon on the counter, taking a seat. "Dig in." 

"I've never..." Anya grumbles something unintelligible into her coffee cup and then winks at Lexa over the rim of the cup as to say that's she's not actually mad at her, she's only teasing. But Lexa's knows this already, it's a familiar sibling fight routine between the two of them and she wouldn't want it any other way. 

*

After breakfast, Lexa excuses herself to use the bathroom and Anya takes the opportunity to have a word with Clarke. She leans in closer and speaks in a low voice, just to make sure her voice doesn't reach Lexa in the bathroom. 

"Is she okay, Clarke?" It's the big sister talking now, concern written in her eyes. No hint of a smirk, or teasing or anything like that. This is Anya needing to know that her baby sister is okay. 

"Yeah, I think so. She didn't shut me out and that's always a good sign, right?" Clarke understands where Anya is coming from. Lexa usually goes to Anya if she needs help, but this time she went to Clarke, so Anya needs to hear it from Clarke herself. 

Anya nods, happy with Clarke's answer. 

"Anya... I... Well..." Clarke stumbles. 

"You can talk to me, Clarke," Anya gives her forearm a reassuring squeeze and it's all the courage Clarke needs. 

"Did you know she talks in her sleep?"

"Yes."

"Does _she_ know?"

"No... Well, I don't think so. I didn't tell her."

"Why not?"

"When Costia died, she shut everything out. I don't know why, but that included not talking... Like, using all five senses was too much to handle. We don't talk much about it, but I think it helped her gaining _some_ control of herself. I think I'm afraid that it will damage her even more if she knew..." Anya clears her throat and Clarke realizes that Anya is struggling with this too. 

"It's okay, Anya. You don't have to explain. I was just curious. Do you need me to keep quiet about it?" 

Anya shakes her head, "I won't make you do anything you're not comfortable with. Just know that there's a risk of making things worse."

"Not better?" 

"Maybe. I don't know. It's just... for a long time she only had me to look out for her... _If_ telling her ends badly, I don't want her to be alone, so I kept quiet to make sure she always at least had me." Anya frowns. 

"It makes sense."

"It's a selfish thing to do." Anya says helplessly. 

"Not if it kept her safe." Clarke says. 

Anya nods and Clarke get the feeling that Anya can't be convinced, so she changed the subject. 

"She has a nice voice, though, I would have loved to hear her sing," Clarke softly smiles down at the empty plate in front of her. 

"Maybe one day she does a one-eighty and you'll get that wish granted", Anya offers, but the tone of her voice reveals that she doesn't believe it herself. 

"Maybe," Clarke says, mostly to herself, mostly in a tone indicating that she doesn't believe it'll happen either. It doesn't mean that they don't believe in Lexa, it only means that they consider Lexa a complete person as she is, emotional scars and all.

When Lexa comes back from the bathroom she slips Anya a note. Anya reads it carefully while Lexa nervously bites her lip waiting for a response to her request. 

Anya looks at Lexa, "You sure?"

Lexa nods firmly, her jaw clenched. Anya knows this is Lexa trying to be strong. She's on a mission but she needs Anya's help and support. 

"Okay sis," Anya exhales.

"Guys, Lexa wants to know if you're free now to go with her, with us, to the graveyard. She wants to introduce you to Costia."

"Of course," Raven and Clarke says in unison, both knowing this won't be easy for any of them, but it's important to Lexa and so it's important to them too.


	9. Chapter IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to tell you thousands of things about this chapter but mostly I just want you to enjoy it.
> 
> I appreciate all your kudos and comments and all... I don't even know where to begin...  
> Honestly, I was hoping a few would care to keep reading... but the number of subscribers are mindblowing. You're awesome! <3

There's a solemn kind of beauty about this Saturday as the four women walk along the pavement towards the graveyard. It's the underestimated kind of beauty. It's the kind that most people find tragic and unwelcome without ever realizing that it's also the kind that's just right for this sort of thing. 

It's the kind of beauty that's best appreciated with heavy footsteps and a mourning heart.

It's the kind of beauty that leaves tragic marks on its path, emotional scars that must be welcomed and appreciated, for if they're not, they will devour you in the most brutal of ways and that is something no one ever returns from. 

If there's one person that knows just how true that is, it's Lexa. That's also why she decided to do this. Taking Clarke and Raven to Costia's grave is the only way she knows how to explain what losing Costia did to her and how it changed her. 

It's a twenty minute walk from Clarke and Raven's apartment to the graveyard. The four women walk in silence along the pavement and they make a stop by the flower shop on the way. Lexa enters alone and comes back with two beautiful daffodils in her hand.

"Two?" Anya asks. 

Lexa nods and determinedly picks up walking towards the graveyard. She's afraid she'll change her mind about what she's about to do if she's not constantly moving towards it. 

Once in the graveyard, Lexa quietly directs them to Costia's grave. She hands over the daffodils for Anya to hold, pulling out her notebook. 

Lexa looks to the sky and takes a deep breath before she starts writing.

_'Can you tell them her story? I don't know how to write it'_ , Lexa pleads Anya. 

Anya nods as she looks at Lexa and then let's her gaze fall to the ground. There's a brief moment where everyone holds their breath like somehow the universe needed this moment to be frozen in time. This frozen moment in time is completely soundless but it feels like screaming under water. And it's perfect this way because it needs to be tragic or else it loses its beauty. 

"Okay, sis. Back me up if I forget something?" Anya's broken voice pleads and Lexa nods an agreement while Raven's and Clarke's hearts both beat a broken rythm.

"Raven, Clarke, meet Costia." Anya gestures with a nod towards the gravestone. "We all grew up together. Costia was our neighbour and the same age as Lexa. She was a bundle of energy and her eyes lit up any room she ever entered. Even the hospital room where she took her last breath." Anya forces her gaze to stay on the gravestone, trying not to waver. She misses Costia too.

"Those two were inseparable. Always. They even finished each other's sentences. So when a 15-year-old Lexa told me Costia had kissed her, I wasn't surprised at all," Anya chuckles. Lexa smiles a little by the memory.

"I remember Lexa flaunting a cheesy grin for _days_ , not unlike the one she sported when she joined us for breakfast this morning," Anya teases, trying to lighten up the mood a bit. 

"When Costia was 18, she was diagnosed with leukemia." Anya and Lexa shares a pained look, both remembering what that disease did to Costia. Neither dared look at anything else but each other or Costia's grave to give them the strength they needed for the last part. 

"She fought all she could for two years. But the doctors couldn't safe her. Lexa was there holding her hand, singing for her when she took her last breath. Costia was a bright soul and very important to both of us," Anya chokes, not able to keep her tears from flowing. 

Lexa gives her a hug to say thank you, tears on her cheeks too. She pulls out her notebook and scribbles a note. Before burning it on the grave, she shows it to Clarke and Raven. 

_'Costia, meet Clarke and Raven. They both have a special place in my heart, next to yours. I think you would have loved them too.'_

Lexa leaves one daffodil on top of the ashes and turns around to meet Clarke's blue eyes staring at her, tears on her face too. She is then enveloped by Clarke's arms and a whisper in her ears. 

"Thank you, Lexa. For introducing us," she lets go of Lexa and says, "Do you want to meet Finn?"

Lexa nods and hands Clarke the other daffodil. 

"For Finn?" Clarke asks, not quite believing the extend of concern this woman is capable of. Clarke is beginning to realize that maybe she was wrong about Lexa being fragile. In this moment, Lexa is the strongest person she's ever known. 

Lexa nods again. 

"Are you okay to visit Finn?" Clarke asks Raven. 

"Yeah, no time like the present, right?" Raven says still trying to keep her feelings in control. 

The truth is that Raven is never ready to visit Finn's grave. Raven deals with the aftermath of the car accident differently than Clarke. Clarke needs to visit Finn once in a while and Raven had to let him go completely to move on. 

Clarke feels Lexa's hand slip into hers, a reassuring squeeze and then their fingers entwine. Clarke nods and pulls Lexa along to the other side of the graveyard. Raven and Anya follow right behind them. 

Clarke doesn't let go of Lexa's hand as she says, "This is Finn. Where do we begin, Rae?" Clarke chuckles along Raven. 

"I met Finn when I was 22. He was a gentle soul and loved making people laugh. His jokes were terrible and he knew it, but his charm had people laughing anyways." Clarke pauses and share a knowing look with Raven. 

"That ass," Raven says, a sad smile on her face. "He annoyed the shit out of me with his stupid pranks. But god, I loved him for it."

Clarke nods and continues, "He asked Raven out on a date, but ended up cancelling because he met me the day after, he said he couldn't lie to Raven like that and he'd regret it terribly if he didn't at least try to convince me that he was worth taking a chance on." Clarke and Raven share a look the meaning of it only to be translated by the two of them. 

"I moved in with him two years later." Clarke's smile falters a little. 

"Three years ago, the three of us were driving up to visit my parents. I've known Raven most of my life and my parents treat her like a daughter. Raven was driving that day and Finn had called shotgun leaving me to the backseat... behind Raven..." Clarke pauses, and Lexa gives Clarke's hand another soft squeeze to remind her it's okay. 

"I... Out of nowhere a car runs a red light and crashes into us. I blacked out... I've been told that Finn died in the ambulance. Raven's leg got busted and I... All that happened to me was a concussion and some superficial wounds."

Clarke is still crying, silently. She's surprisingly calm despite of it. 

She kneels to place the daffodil up against Finn's tombstone. "Finn," she says. "This is Anya, Raven's girlfriend. She's as sarcastic as Raven, you would have loved her. And this is Lexa, Anya's sister. She's... She's special. She looks out for me, so you don't have to worry. I'm good."

Clarke rises from her kneeling position and the four of them stand in silence looking at Finn's grave. 

Anya pulls a paralyzed Raven into a hug. They haven't spoken much about the accident that lead to Raven's leg brace. Anya didn't know that Finn died in that accident. But she understands Raven's way of dealing with it, so she just hugs her and leaves kisses on her forehead telling her, "you're a strong woman, Rae. It's okay to mourn." All Raven is capable of returning is a nod, barely there, but Anya is used to Lexa's subtle body language and so she knows that it takes all the strength Raven posseses in this moment to be able to do it. 

Clarke and Lexa are standing shoulder to shoulder, still holding hands, anchoring one to the other. Their hearts are still heavy but the burden on their shoulders are lighter. 

"Shit," Clarke exhales. "This is hard. I need ice cream to deal with this." Raven and Anya chuckles and Lexa just smiles. Ice cream doesn't sound too bad. 

*

They go back to Clarke and Raven's place to mend their hearts with ice cream while sharing stories about their lost ones. With every spoonful of ice cream, every story told and every tear cried another crack in their broken heart is being sealed. It's a peculiar thing, Lexa thinks, because she's been living with this grief in her body for eight years and it has been a sturdy companion and the only constant she could count on and then comes along someone like Clarke, someone who understands her grief, someone she can share that with and that sturdy foundation is crumbling around her. What grows instead is a future unknown and Lexa only knows one thing, but in this pocket of time that's all she needs. Clarke holds the tools needed to patch up heart. 

Lexa and Anya leaves before dinner time and Clarke kisses Lexa on the cheek making her promise she'll keep in touch and text her if she needs anything. 

That night Clarke falls asleep feeling lonely in her bed. Not because she lost Finn but because she misses Lexa's touch. 

Lexa stays up late writing down all the memories she gathered today. She falls asleep on the couch missing Clarke's body against hers.


	10. Chapter X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If your comments on chapter 9 is anything to go by, that chapter hit some of you pretty hard. I'm only a little bit sorry about that, but mostly proud because it did exactly what I meant for it to do. 
> 
> I love that you're still with me, though!
> 
> This chapter (10) is also a little short but the next one will make up for it. I've been updating every 2nd day until now but the next one might take a few more days (I've got massive proofreading to do on that one). 
> 
> And finally, I've written two chapters for the sequel and I think I've found a storyline that works quite well, so yeah it looks promising. 
> 
> But for now, I hope you enjoy chapter 10 <3

When Sunday morning rolls in, Clarke wakes up stretching her arms over her head and then joins Raven in the kitchen. 

"Morning, Clarke. Coffee on the counter, I'm heading out. See you later." Raven is out the door before Clarke is done yawning. 

Her phone buzzes on the counter and she grins when she realizes it's a text from Lexa. 

Lexa:  
 _Goodmorning Clarke. If you by any chance don't have any plans today I'm at the park around noon. It's a Sunday tradition. You're always welcome to join me._

Clarke feels her smile grow bigger as she reads the text and she rolls her eyes, because come on, she's turning into a sap. 

Clarke:  
 _Hello yourself. I happen to have the day off and absolutely no plans. I'd love to join you :)_

_Lexa:  
Great. See you later :) _

*

In the weeks following their visit to the graveyard Clarke and Lexa grows inevitably closer. 

Lexa's Sunday tradition also becomes Clarke's Sunday tradition. Clarke makes sure her shifts at work doesn't interfere with that, in fact, she takes less extra shifts to be able to spend more time with Lexa. Raven is thrilled, to say the least, she always thought Clarke worked too much. 

They eventually make a new tradition, the movie night tradition. It happens on most of Clarke's nights off and it's always at Clarke's place because her couch is more comfortable. Sometimes, Raven and Anya joins them, sometimes they come home late finding Clarke and Lexa entangled on the couch having fallen asleep during the movie. And in the mornings after, they find Clarke and Lexa in the kitchen acting strangely domestic. Clarke drinks tea because Lexa drinks tea and Lexa hands her the salt before Clarke even asks for it. 

On the days they don't see each other, they text. Clarke sends her photos of the doodles she's drawing and Lexa sends photos back of her mutant stick man copies of Clarke's doodles and Clarke makes sure to save a copy of each and every one of them. 

They visit the graveyard together, hands entwined and daffodils for Costia and Finn. Not often, just, once in a while.

Lexa still has nightmares of losing Costia. She also still talks in her sleep. On the nights Lexa stays at Clarke's, Clarke comforts her after a nightmare. They're less frequent now, and sometimes it's Clarke she loses, not Costia. Clarke knows because one night Lexa calls her name instead of Costia's in her sleep. It makes her heart ache knowing the pain Lexa experiences, and it makes her heart flutter hearing her name spilled from Lexa's lips.

Clarke hasn't told her yet. That night, the first time she heard Lexa speak her name she knew she had to tell her. She felt like keeping it from her was the same as lying to her, and Lexa deserves better than that.

She knows it's risky, that she could lose Lexa. But she has to know, and if it goes badly, at least she knows Lexa has Anya. 

*

It's the first weekend of May, a sunny Saturday afternoon and they're walking hand in hand through the park. Clarke by some miracle has the day off and decides now is the time to tell Lexa. Clarke is nervous and her hands are shaking. Lexa squeezes her hand and stops walking. She looks at Clarke who's avoiding her gaze. Lexa is worried and all she _can_ do is pull Clarke into a hug. Clarke sniffles a little and Lexa pulls her closer.

Inside Clarke's head, something is screaming uncontrollably. But when Clarke finally speaks it's barely a whisper, the kind of whisper that is so fragile, the intensity of it drowns out everything else. 

"Lexa, I need to tell you something, and I'm scared because I don't know how you're going to respond."

Lexa nods, pulling Clarke infinitely closer to her, trying to tell her that no matter what it is, it's going to be okay. 

"I... Well..." Clarke stutters and Lexa breaks the hug just enough to cup her cheeks and meet Clarke's eyes. Lexa feels the panic travel along her spine, but she tries to stay strong for Clarke. She tries anchoring Clarke by leaning their foreheads together and it works. Clarke sighs heavily and continues. 

"You know you're having nightmares, right?"

Lexa nods, not quite understanding where Clarke is going with this. 

"Well, did you also know, that you talk in your sleep?" Clarke holds her breath waiting for hell to break loose.

It doesn't. 

Lexa's mouth opens as if she wants to say something but can't find the words. She blinks a few times and pulls Clarke to the nearest bench. She pulls out her notebook, she rarely ever uses it around Clarke anymore, but right now she needs the security it provides. 

_'I talk?'_

"Yes." 

_'Real words?'_

"... Yes." 

Clarke can see Lexa is overwhelmed by this and she doesn't know what to do about it, so she waits letting Lexa set the pace. 

Lexa puts her pen to the paper again and again, but she doesn't know what to write.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Lex," Clarke carefully prompts.

Lexa shuts her eyes for a second trying to control the panic that builds in her lungs. She doesn't understand. She's talking in her sleep. Which means she didn't lose her voice... She just somehow lost the ability to talk in a conscious state. Which means... did she _choose_ not to speak? _Could_ she speak if she wanted to? 

Clarke gets more anxious by the minute watching Lexa fight this battle inside her mind. She wonders if she should maybe call Anya for assistance. But Lexa isn't panicking for real, not yet, so she tries one last thing. 

"You won't lose me, Lex. I'm right here." she places a careful hand on Lexa's thigh as to remind her of just that. Lexa doesn't flinch and Clarke takes it as a cue to continue talking. 

"I like how you say my name," a soft smile overtakes Clarke's face. "Even if I don't hear you speak it again. I don't care about that. I just want you to feel safe and happy. "

Lexa rises from the bench slowly but keeps in place. She wants to go home and shut everything out. She wants to fall into Clarke's embrace, to feel the comfort she always finds there and she wants to shut everything out. And she realizes that she can't do both. Shutting everything out means shutting Clarke out too, and she can't lose Clarke. 

Clarke senses her struggle. She rises too and softly, carefully grabs Lexa's hand. 

"I understand if you need time to process this, just... please don't shut me out." Clarke chokes out the last words and it rips through Lexa like knifes penetrating her skin. She meets Clarke's eyes and suddenly she doesn't care about her own thoughts anymore. She sees the pain in Clarke's eyes and she realizes that Clarke is just as scared of losing her as she is of losing Clarke.

She needs Clarke to feel safe and happy too. She doesn't deserve more pain in her life. The fear of hurting Clarke pulls at Lexa's heart and she cups Clarke's cheeks with both hands pulling her closer. It's not Clarke's fault that she talks in her sleep and she needs Clarke to know that she doesn't blame her and that she won't lose her. 

Their foreheads are touching and Lexa feels Clarke tremble in her hands. 

"I'm sorry, Lex. Please don't shut me out." Clarke's weak voice is breaking Lexa's heart and Lexa shakes her head because _'no, don't apologize, it's not your fault'_. 

Lexa feels Clarke's breath on her lips, warm and shaking. She feels Clarke's trembling lips vibrate in the space between them. She feels Clarke's hands pulling desperately on the fabric of her hoodie. 

She needs Clarke closer. She needs Clarke to understand that she's not losing her. So she closes the distance between them, her lips softly against Clarke's, grounding Clarke who's still trembling, grunding herself. 

Lexa's lips are so soft and careful and Clarke's breath catches in her throat, the kiss surprising her so much that she stops shaking. She kisses Lexa back, slowly moving her lips against Lexa's. Clarke slowly releases her grip on Lexa's hoodie and snakes her arms around Lexa's waist. 

If you ask Raven or Anya, they'd tell you that this kiss was long overdue. If you ask Lexa or Clarke they'd tell you that it was _just right_ , that it felt like coming home.

Lexa breaks the kiss carefully watching Clarke's reaction. Clarke's eyes flutter open and Lexa's heart melts by the sight. Gone is all the doubt and the pain. She thinks maybe that's exactly what Clarke sees in her eyes too. 

"What was that for?" Clarke asks, barely a whisper. 

Lexa only has a soft half smile to offer. 

Clarke doesn't need more than that and she accepts it by softly placing a kiss on Lexa's lips. 

"I think I needed that..." Clarke sighs. 

Lexa realizes that she kind of needed it too. 

"You okay, Lex?" Clarke needs to know. 

Lexa nods. She releases Clarke to pull out her notebook already missing Clarke's touch. 

_'Thank you for telling me. I'm a bit overwhelmed and I need to process it. I also need to talk to Anya. I'm NOT shutting you out. I couldn't if I tried. I kind of like having you around'_

Clarke releases a sigh of relief after reading Lexa's words. 

"I also kinda like having you around," Clarke smiles. "Come back to my place, Lex? Let's watch a movie and cuddle on the couch and ignore the world for the rest of today. Just for today?" Clarke asks timidly, her voice painted with vulnerability.

Lexa nods because that's exactly what she needs. Just one day of not caring about anything but her and Clarke before having to face her demons.


	11. Chapter XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all of you, just wanted to say that <3
> 
> I love that you are able to see the beauty in the melancholy that is Clarke and Lexa in this story, and I love that you share your thoughts with me. Please don't stop! 
> 
> I've spent a little extra time making sure that chapter 11 is just as beautiful. I hope you like it... I'm extremely nervous about it because this chapter is _the very essence_ of what this story is about. 
> 
> As always, enjoy!

Lexa wakes up the next morning with her face buried in golden hair and her arm swung over a curvy waist. Her front is pressed up against Clarke's back and this must be what heaven feels like. 

Her mind wanders to the day before, fresh memories washing over her. She doesn't understand that she's talking in her sleep but can't speak when she's awake. She doesn't understand how that works. Mostly she doesn't understand how she hasn't run away yet. Lexa usually deals with emotional overload by running away from it, locking herself up in her mind and shutting everything out. Lexa smiles, a smile only meant for herself, as she realizes that this woman in front of her has changed that about her. It terrifies her, but it's the good kind of terror because Clarke is helping her through it. 

She thinks about last night, ordering pizza and cuddling on the couch watching movies. She can still here Clarke saying, "Let's go to bed. I want to wake up next to you in my bed, not on the couch," and she can still feel Clarke planting a kiss to her forehead. 

Right now, in front of her, Clarke is sighing in her sleep and Lexa inhales the scent from Clarke's shampoo. It releases the tension in her body and she thinks about the kiss at the park, how she'd like to kiss Clarke again. She hopes Clarke wants that too. 

Lexa hears Raven move around in the kitchen and decides to go talk to her. She carefully slides out of the bed and leaves a note on her pillow in case Clarke wakes up before she's back. 

*

Raven sits by the kitchen counter drinking the coffee she desperately craves. She thinks about coming home late last night nearly stumbling over Lexa's shoes by entering the apartment. She knows that means one of two things. One, Clarke telling Lexa went well or two, Clarke chickened out last minute. Raven sighs, no matter which one she just wants those two fools to be happy. Together, preferably. 

Her phone dings on the counter and it breaks a smile on Raven's face. It's from Anya, that goddamn sexy woman whom she loves more than anything. Anya has turned her into a sap and so be it. 

Raven is interrupted by a fragile looking Lexa knocking on the door frame, her hair wild and tossled from sleep and a worry written across her face. Her green eyes talk a million emotions at once and Raven wants to hug her because she looks like she kind of needs it right now. 

_'Can we talk?'_ She holds her little notebook up. 

"Goodmorning, Lexa... Oh, yes, come take a seat. Do you want something? Tea?" 

Lexa shakes her head, she grabs a glass of water before sitting down next to Raven and Raven waits patiently for Lexa to begin. 

_'Clarke told me I talk in my sleep. It confuses me profoundly. I don't understand how that works. I don't even know where to begin'_

Raven reads along while she writes and snorts because _'of course, Lexa is the kind of person to use words such as profoundly'_. Lexa stops writing and looks at Raven with a confused look. 

"Profoundly..." Raven cracks an amused smile. She thinks she knows what Lexa is worried about. That the Lexa she's been for the past eight years is a mask she hides behind, not real somehow. It's something she struggles with too. 

"After the accident they told me I'd never walk again, not without this brace. I'm seeing a physical therapist regularly to make sure I treat my leg right, to make sure the muscles don't grow weak. We talk about the progress I've made and how I'm now able to stand without the brace. Sometimes I dream about walking without it and sometimes I let myself belief that it's possible... even though they told me it isn't... and when that happens I get frustrated because that means I spent the past couple of years _not_ believing in it and that's precious time wasted. I mean, where would I be today if I'd believed in it all this time..."

Raven pauses so Lexa can digest the words before continuing. 

"It's easy to shut out everything when things don't make sense or they don't go as planned. I have to keep reminding myself that I actually do like the person I've become and I have these amazing people in my life that takes care of me if I need it. I also *am* able to walk, I just need some help," she says, tapping a finger to the brace.

Lexa nods, and she remembers the first time she saw Raven's brace and thought that Raven seemed like a person who doesn't let the weight on her shoulders hold her down. Now, this same strong woman tells her she's an emotional mess too sometimes and Lexa thinks that maybe she needs to stop viewing the world as a place that's only black and white. The greys are maybe even the most important shades. 

_'So what you're saying is... Although I haven't spoken (while awake) for eight years, it doesn't mean I can't talk... I just need help doing so (notebook). And it doesn't matter if I never speak again because the person I am right now is someone I like??'_

Raven smiles while reading Lexa's words because, yes, Lexa gets it. 

"Yes Lexa. That's exactly what I'm saying. Also, you have Anya and Clarke and even me and we don't care if you talk in your sleep but never speak to us when you're awake. I don't care as long as you're happy."

Lexa is thinking. It's a lot to take in at once. It's eight years worth of viewing the world in a wrong way... no, not wrong, just a different way, a not entirely complete way. 

"Do you _want_ to speak again?" And there it is, the question Lexa doesn't know the answer to. 

_'I don't know'_

"Have you tried?"

_'A few times, yes. It feels like a tennis ball magically appears in my throat. I stopped trying a long time ago. Not speaking is a habit now, I guess'_

Raven nods, she understands the imagery. 

"Are you and Clarke okay? She was terrified of talking to you about it."

Lexa nods and a smile grows on her face because, 'yes, they're very much okay'. Raven smirks. Lexa blushes. 

Lexa nods a thank you towards Raven before going back to Clarke's room. She finds Clarke still sleeping. She's spread out on the bed lying on her stomach with Lexa's note in her hand. Lexa closes the door behind her and smiles to herself. _This woman_. She straddles Clarke's hips and softly starts massaging her shoulders. 

*

Clarke wakes up missing Lexa. Rolling over she realizes why. On Lexa's pillow is a note saying _'Go back to sleep. I'll be right back'_

She rolls a bit more until her face is buried in Lexa's pillow inhaling her scent. Clarke sighs. She doesn't remember the last time she felt this _right_. Her mind fills with the kiss and a shy smile breaks across her face. 

She falls back asleep still holding onto Lexa's note.

The second time Clarke wakes up, there's something across her hips that's weighing her down. There are soft warm hands massaging her shoulders and her upper back. The touch is muffled by her t-shirt but it feels _so good_. Someone moans and when Clarke realizes it's herself, she cracks open an eye to find Lexa straddling her hips grinning down at her. 

Clarke is embarrassed. Except from the kiss yesterday, their touches have thus far been intimate, yes, but more of a platonic kind. At least not with the intention of being romantic or... sexual, even. And there she is, getting a backrub, and the first thing that happens is Clarke moaning out her pleasure. 

Clarke blushes and buries her head further into the pillow and Lexa bends forward, one hand next to Clarke's shoulder holding up her weight while the other takes the note from Clarke's hand and leaves it on the bedside table. 

Clarke then feels soft lips on her shoulder, a brush of a kiss followed by another and then another until Clarke feels Lexa's warm breath on her neck. And when Lexa kisses her behind her ear she thinks that maybe she wouldn't mind waking up like this again sometime. Not at all. 

Lexa leaves the smallest of kisses on Clarke's earlobe and gets another moan in return. 

"Lexa... " she hears Clarke whisper into the pillow and it awakens a craving in her she hasn't felt in a long time. Of the many ways Clarke has spoken her name, she thinks this is definitely her favorite. 

Clarke feels a finger being traced down her spine. It's so slow and soft, so intense and Clarke feels her arousal grow by every inch. Kisses follow along the same line, soft like snowflakes but burning like fireworks and Clarke can't take it anymore. She needs to be closer to Lexa, so she twists underneath Lexa and sits up, her hands on Lexa's thighs. 

Blue finds green and then time stops. 

In this pocket of time there's only Lexa, her adorable halfsmile and her ridiculous wild hair that's all over the place. And Clarke likes this Lexa the best, the Lexa that's only for her. Lexa runs her thumb across Clarke's lips and Clarke kisses her thumb never once breaking eye contact. Lexa moves her fingertips along Clarke's jaw only to curl her hand around her neck and pull her into a kiss. 

In this pocket of time there's only Clarke, the blue oceans pulling at Lexa and the comfort of her touch. Lexa thinks she wants Clarke to look at her like this all the time, like she's the air she breathes to stay alive. Lexa thinks that maybe she always loved Clarke. Lexa _craves_ for Clarke to kiss her like this again and again. Never stop, damn it, never ever stop. 

And when Clarke nips at Lexa's lower lip, Lexa gasps. And when Clarke runs her hands under Lexa's t-shirt Lexa involuntarily grinds into Clarke, receiving another moan from Clarke which leaves her hot breath tickling Lexa's lips. 

Lexa seeks out Clarke's eyes and Clarke recognizes the desperation in them. It's the need to be impossibly close, so close that only they exist in the very same space at the exact same time. Clarke understands and then she puls off her own t-shirt and studies Lexa's expression, jaw dropping, eyes roaming over Clarke's chest. Lexa lifts her hand to softly run her fingertip over a scar above Clarke's breast, right above her heart.

"One of the... superficial wounds from the accident," Clarke whispers, her eyes never leaving Lexa's. "I like to think that it's a part of Finn I keep close... to the heart," Clarke admits. Lexa understands. She never wants Clarke to forget Finn, just like she never wants to forget Costia. Lexa wants her to know that, so she leans down to place a soft kiss on the scar. 

Lexa runs a finger over the scar one more time and it hits her that Clarke could've died in that accident as well. She doesn't know what she did to deserve Clarke in her life, but she wants to make sure she won't ever take her for granted. 

"Hey, you okay?" Clarke asks pulling Lexa out of her thoughts and back to the depths of the blue oceans. 

Lexa sighs, she's so overwhelmed. A tear escapes down her cheek and Clarke kisses it away. 

"Do you want me to put my shirt back on?"

Clarke is beautiful, Lexa loves her curves and she loves her scar. Lexa doesn't want Clarke to put her shirt back on, she wants _more Clarke_ , so she responds by pulling off her own shirt and smashing her lips into Clarke's with enough force to send Clarke back into the safety of pillows. 

In this pocket of time Lexa worships Clarke's body and Clarke gets drunk on it. Clarke arches her body into Lexa's lips as they close around a nipple. She gasps as Lexa trails kisses down her stomach, tongue teasing her navel, soft hands stripping her for all clothes. She removes her own clothes as well, needing to feel all of Clarke against all of her.

Clarke shuts her eyes feeling _too much_ but not quite enough as Lexa runs her fingers up her thighs... and then her tongue. And it's a dance of ballet of Lexa's tongue against Clarke and her careful fingers sliding in massaging Clarke _right there_. Lexa's heart breaks in the most perfect way when Clarke comes undone on her tongue, Clarke's fingers desperately entangled in her hair like she was holding on for dear life, her body trembling and Lexa thinks that if Clarke breaks her then so be it, she doesn't want it any other way. 

In this pocket of time Clarke catches her breath while Lexa crawls up to lie next to her, pulling her close, her fingers softly drawing patterns on her stomach. Clarke wonders what kind of mutant stick man drawings she's leaving on her skin and the thought makes her chuckle. She opens her eyes and turns to look at Lexa. She looks so happy, Clarke thinks, _'She looks as happy as I feel'_. 

She pushes Lexa onto her back and straddles her thigh. Clarke takes a moment to take in the gorgeous woman beneath her. Lexa is toned, more than Clarke thought she'd be and Clarke runs her fingers up arms, shoulders, breasts and stomach. She wants to remember every line that is the contour of Lexa, she wants to be able to draw her from memory. She runs a curious finger from Lexa's navel and downwards. Lexa gasps by the sensation, and Clarke waits for Lexa to open her eyes before she continues. Lexa bites her lip and Clarke leans forward teasing that same lip with her tongue. 

They move like two pieces of a puzzle fitting perfectly together and when Lexa's breath becomes heavier, Clarke adds two fingers and Lexa presses her eyes shut because _'it's too much but I don't want her to stop'_.

"Lexa, look at me." Clarke whispers. She wants to watch Lexa unravel beneath her, so she slows down her pace. She uses her free hand to brush a thumb across Lexa's jawline, "I want to see you." And then Lexa opens her eyes to find Clarke's face right above hers, a smile on her lips and those blue eyes anchoring her. Clarke plants a soft kiss to her lips before picking up her pace again, a slow crescendo. 

And Lexa's lungs are almost bursting and her muscles are burning but it's okay because Clarke will catch her when she falls. Clarke kisses Lexa softly again, nipping at her bottom lip and Lexa is so far gone she's not able to kiss back and so Clarke adds her thumb and that's when it happens. Lexa's body freezes and just before she explodes, Clarke whispers "I love you" because she can't help herself. Lexa tries, she really does, but the trembles rippling through her body forces her eyes shut and Clarke thinks it's so beautiful she wouldn't be able to draw it if she tried.

Lexa clings to Clarke's waist, a gasping "Clarke..." escapes her lips. The last thing she feels before drifting off to sleep is Clarke enveloping her in a warm comforting hug, soft kisses to her shoulder and quiet 'I love you's in her ear.

It doesn't take long before Clarke drifts off to sleep too. 

*

Raven's phone rings, it's Anya. 

"What's up, babe?" Raven answers. 

_"Hey Rae, I haven't heard from Lexa since yesterday and she isn't answering my texts. Neither is Clarke. Do you know where they are?"_

"Hahaha... Yes I do. They're here, and there's a reason they're not answering" Raven smirks into the phone. 

_"Uh... I sense you're about to give me a detailed walk through of whatever has you this excited?"_

Raven grins as she pauses the movie she's watching.

"Clarke took Lexa to the park yesterday to tell her about her sleep talking."

_"What?"_

"Yeah. Clarke was terrified of losing her over it but she felt like lying to her, so she decided now was the time. Anyway, don't worry, it went well, I mean, she spent the night..."

_"Okay... Wow, really? No meltdown, no nothing?"_

"Not from what I know. She caught me in the kitchen this morning for a talk... I think, Clarke telling her has made a positive development, actually, no I'm quite certain of it," Raven snickers. 

_"Rae... What are you not telling me?"_

"Alright, alright. Keep your panties on... I'm pretty sure your sister hasn't, haha!" Raven does a damn fine job suppressing a fit of laughter. 

_"Wha.. What?"_

"Well, I can't be a hundred percent sure because Clarke is _not_ loud in bed and you know, Lexa doesn't speak, but I'm nighty-nine percent sure I heard some moaning from Clarke's bedroom this morning and you know what that means..."

Just as Raven finishes that sentence, the door to Clarke's bedroom opens and a disheveled Clarke walks by the doorway towards the kitchen. 

"Ooh, scratch that. There's no doubt," Raven chuckles and whispers the last part. "Clarke just came out of her room looking pretty damn fucked... If you know what I mean."

_"Ew, gross, Rae. That's my sister!"_

"Hahaha! Whatever... Are you coming over tonight?"

_"I hope so. I've got a couple more hours here and something tells me Lexa might need to talk to me at some point. If that's not tonight, sure I'll come by. I'll let you know. When you see her, tell her to stop flirting with the hot blonde and text me back?"_

"Haha, sure!"

_"I love you, I'll call you later."_

"Love you too, babe."

Raven hangs up and gets up to sneak a peak at Clarke as she walks back to her room, water bottles in one hand, apples in the other. 

Raven smirks at her when they lock eyes. 

"Shut up, Rae," Clarke blushes, quickly passing by Raven. She doesn't stop moving until she closes the bedroom door behind her and joins Lexa in her bed. 

"Supplies..." Clarke smiles, holding up the contents in her hands. 

Lexa holds up a note.  
  
_'Shower and then Sunday Park Tradition?'_

Clarke's eyes turn soft, "Of course, Lex. I wouldn't miss it for the world." 

Lexa flips the note to show Clarke the backside. 

_'I love you too'_

Clarke grins. "Come here, you fool", she says as she pulls Lexa into another kiss.


	12. Chapter XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm intentionally adding an extra day or two between these last few chapters. I'm working on the sequel and I want the wait between this story and the sequel to be as short as possible. Sue me ;) 
> 
> Also, thank you for all the great comments. I love our conversations on there. It makes writing these things a bit more fun <3
> 
> So, ready for the aftermath of chapter 11? Maybe you should know that I split it in two, one mostly focusing on Lexa, the other mostly on Clarke. 
> 
> Enjoy.

As they part ways by the park gate, Lexa feels the darkness slowly seep into her veins by each step she takes on her lonesome walk home. 

She needs to do this. 

Clarke needed to go home to get ready for an evening shift at the hospital and Lexa needed to process the past twenty four hours. 

Clarke had taken Lexa's head in her hands, cupping her cheeks and brushing her thumbs over her cheekbones. She didn't say a word, only insistently kept her eyes locked on Lexa's as she planted a firm kiss on Lexa's lips. She then turned around and walked home. 

Lexa understood it was Clarke's way of telling her she understood what Lexa had to do. That she would still be there when it was done. That she loved her. 

It was Clarke's love that carried Lexa home without breaking. 

*

Anya is in the kitchen when Lexa enters the apartment. She hears the main door being closed and then... nothing? So she steps into the hallway to check on the door where she finds Lexa just standing there, shoes still on, hand still on the doorknob, barely existing under the massive weight that Anya knows she is carrying around right now. 

Anya knew this would happen. Lexa is retreating into herself, into that place in her mind that came with losing Costia. Anya also knows that Lexa will stay there until she decides not to. She won't listen to anyone. This is why Anya decided not to tell her about the sleep talking in the first place. She's afraid she'll lose Lexa to the darkness again. 

So Anya does the only thing she knows she _can_ do. She walks up to Lexa, to pull her into a hug. Lexa's hand slides off the door knob, her arms now hanging limp against her body as Anya pulls her closer. 

Lexa doesn't cry. 

Lexa can't cry. It's like the darkness in her veins had to swallow up all the tears to be able to take over all of Lexa. 

Anya cries for both of them. Her tears slide down her cheek and into her mouth and they taste of salt and guilt. 

And when Anya doesn't have more tears to cry she whispers, "I'm sorry, Sis. I'm so, so sorry! Please don't leave me again," her words flavored with that same guilt and the fear she fed on for years after Costia died, the fear she thought she'd overcome. 

Lexa still doesn't cry, but Anya's words are like a knife to the heart and it hurts so much she hisses out the pain through her clenched jaw. 

To Anya that's hope. It means there's still some light inside Lexa.

"I've got you, sis. You can let go," Anya says, rubbing circles into Lexa's shoulders. 

And that's when the tears spill, they burn Lexa's eyes and they soak Anya's shirt and Anya welcomes them like it meant life or death. For each tear escaping Lexa's body, a tiny bit of Lexa's darkness seeps out with it. 

It needs to be done. 

*

Anya:  
_Rae, I won't make it tonight. I need to stay with Lexa. I'll make it up to you, I promise!_

Raven:  
_Babe, don't worry. I understand. Is she okay? Are YOU okay?_

Anya:  
_She's tired and overwhelmed. She's sleeping right now, though. She deals with these kinda things alone inside her head and it's hard to break down her walls, but I think she'll be alright. She just needs time._

Anya:  
_And I'm okay. Just... concerned._

Raven:  
_I'm sorry, babe. Let me know if you need anything?_

Anya:  
_I will. I don't know for how long she'll be like this. Tell Clarke to call me if she needs to talk, okay? Just... She can't give up on her..._

Raven:  
_I'll tell her, but don't worry... She's not going anywhere. And if she wavers I'll kick her ass :)_

Anya:  
_< 3_

Raven:  
_< 3_

Raven puts down her phone and returns to attend her best friend duty, running her fingers through Clarke's hair. 

Clarke came home a couple of hours ago and joined Raven on the couch, silently. She rested her head in Raven's lap, silently. "You're thinking too loud," Raven had said, but Clarke just closed her eyes, silently. So Raven just nodded to herself, silently, and started playing with Clarke's hair because she knows it calms her down. 

Raven sighs, hoping Clarke is ready to talk because she can't hold it in anymore.

"Weren't you supposed to be at work now?" Raven asks. 

"I called in sick," Clarke says and Raven thinks the tone in Clarke's voice is similar to that of pre-Lexa Clarke and it breaks Raven's heart. 

"Anya says she's a bit of a mess and she's sleeping right now. She says she'll be okay, she just needs some time," Raven reassures her. 

Clarke nods. She knows Lexa will be okay, she's just... afraid, and she doesn't know why. 

"So... don't worry, Clarke."

Clarke doesn't respond. Not worrying is not an option. Raven knows that too. 

"Anya says you're welcome to call her if you need to talk," Raven tries.

Clarke whispers a "thank you", but it sounds a bit dismissive and Raven worries that Clarke might be going to her dark place as well. 

Shit.

Raven's phone buzzes and Raven picks it up, another text from Anya. 

Anya:  
_How about Clarke, is she okay?_

Raven:  
_Been better. She called in sick tonight. Emotionless Clarke is back... I don't know how bad it is yet, but yeah, I'm a bit worried._

Anya:  
_:( Really... if there's anything I can do..._

Raven:  
_... I'll let you know_

*

Anya sleeps on the couch for a week because she wants to be available the second Lexa is ready to talk.

Lexa gets up every day, gets ready, goes to work, comes home again, spends the afternoon writing in her notebook, eats dinner and then goes to bed. Meticulously. Like a robot. For a week. 

It's like before Clarke, Anya thinks, just including the lack of communication with Lexa. It's the lack of communication that worries Anya. What Anya doesn't know is that Lexa has been communicating with herself _a lot_ the past week, something she forgot to do after Costia died. Instead of writing down memories she's afraid to lose, she writes down all the questions she's been suppressing this long. Questions like 'Why did I stop speaking?', 'Where would I be if Costia hadn't died?', 'Am I happy?'. And then she works her way through them, meticulously as Lexa does best, thinking, wondering, pondering, processing and then documenting her answers. 

On Sunday Lexa goes to Costia's grave instead of the park. She sits cross-legged in the spot in front of the grave looking at Costia's name. In her hands she holds a daffodil and a note. 

Lexa is calm. For the first time since Costia died Lexa is confident about showing the world what she has to offer. 

She spends a couple of hours silently honoring Costia's memory. She thinks about their childhood shenanigans pulling pranks on Anya, their first kiss by the swingset a Tuesday afternoon and she thinks about the first time Costia told her she loved her at the very same swingset two months later, she thinks about all the firsts she experienced with her best friend and the one person she loved the most. She thinks about lying in the grass at night, Costia by her side, stargazing. She thinks about how Costia loved when Lexa played the piano and sang for her, she thinks about Costia's favorite song. She thinks about Costia taking her to the bench in the park telling her about her diagnosis, she thinks about Costia crying and she thinks about telling her "it's going to be okay, we're going to be okay". She thinks about Costia fighting against her painful destiny and how singing her favorite song to her was the best medicine for Costia. But it wasn't enough.

That's one thing Lexa learned about herself this last week. Losing Costia meant losing her voice, as if those two were laced together so tight they couldn't be separated. It was almost like Lexa subconsciously had decided that if she couldn't sing for Costia anymore she might as well just stop speaking all together. 

Losing her voice also meant losing her music. She misses the music. So bad. She misses the piano the most. 

She doesn't miss speaking but she misses communicating. She used music for that when she was younger, communicating the mess in her head. 

She doesn't miss Costia anymore. If she were alive she'd still love her, no doubt. She still loves the Costia she remembers. But she doesn't miss her in the way that she misses her being a part of her life. 

But she misses Clarke. Terribly. Every night this past week she's fallen asleep to the memories of Clarke's ocean deep eyes and her kisses and adorable chuckle and how she fits perfectly against her body. 

_'I'm ready'_ , Lexa thinks before burning the note for Costia. 

She watches the smoke spiral upwards as the note turns to ashes and then she places the daffodil ceremoniously on top of the ash pile.

She stands and recites the content of the note from memory, inside her head. 

_'It took me eight years to realize I've been punishing myself for something that wasn't my fault. I know you never wanted me to leave my music behind,... but to pick it up I must let you go. It's okay, I have Clarke to look out for me. And Anya. Even Raven. I'm happy, I know that's all you ever wanted for me. I'm ready to let you go. Goodbye, Costia.'_

*

Sunday afternoon she texts Clarke. 

Lexa:  
_I'm okay now, but I miss you. I'm sorry it took so long. Are you okay?_

Clarke:  
_I am now :) I miss you too. Does that mean I get to see you soon?_

Lexa:  
_As soon as possible if I have a say in it :)_

Clarke:  
_I have a night shift tonight... Tomorrow?_

Lexa:  
_It's a date!_

Clarke:  
_I love you, Lex_

Lexa:  
_Love you too, Clarke :)_

*

Anya hates working on Sundays. It should be a crime, she thinks, obviously not a cyber crime... She snorts, rolling eyes at herself because 'shit, that's a lame joke, I fucking hate lame jokes'. 

She takes the stairs two steps at a time. One two three four pause one two three four pause... and then Anya stops in her track. A musical piece she knows too well is playing in the background, behind an apartment door. 

It's Anya's song. Lexa wrote it for her when they were kids,... but it couldn't be... could it? It's so vague, so filtrated into the background noises of the cars on the street that she doesn't trust her own ears. Not completely. 

Anya sprints up the last stairs and throws open the apartment door and one note after another assaults her ears and her heart in the most beautiful way. 

Lexa is playing the piano. When was the last time she did that? Anya doesn't remember. She remember Lexa tried after Costia died, but she never finished a piece and eventually she gave up on it. 

Anya walks into the living room and there she is, her fingers gracefully dancing across ivory and ebony keys. Lexa wanted to throw out her upright piano but Anya refused because she knew how much it meant to Lexa and _if_ the day came where she'd want to play again, Anya would hate herself for having sold it off. 

"Lexa..." Anya whispers not quite believing what she's witnessing right now. 

Lexa stops playing, looks to Anya and smiles. 

"No, don't stop," Anya panicks because what if this was a one time thing? 

Lexa's smile grows bigger as she gets up to hug Anya. She releases the hug and picks up her notebook from the coffee table. 

_'I'm rusty but I remember your song'_

Anya is staring at Lexa, wide eyed stuttering something that'll never turn into a coherent sentence, so she gives up and just... stares. 

_'I let Costia go and I made peace with the past'_ , Lexa writes. 

Lexa grins when she realizes that Anya is still stuck in her staring contest, so she gives her another hug before getting back behind the piano. 

Anya orders chinese for their dinner and spends most of the evening enjoying Lexa playing the piano, the little pieces she does remember, the scowls and the sighing when her fingers can't do what they used to... but most importantly, Anya enjoys seeing the Lexa she remembers from before Costia died. The adventurous bright eyed young woman so full of life. 

Anya sleeps in her own bed tonight and Lexa can't sleep anticipating seeing Clarke again.


	13. Chapter XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, second to last. 
> 
> (I absolutely adore all of you!)   
> Merry Christmas <3

It's Wednesday morning and Clarke wakes up shivering. Something is wrong. Everything is wrong. The clock on her bedside table tells her Raven left for work an hour ago which means she's alone. She sighs defeatedly dropping her face back into the pillow that doesn't smell like Lexa anymore. She squeezes her eyes shut and fragments of moments from the past few days plays automatically on repeat behind her eyelids. She's too tired to fight it. 

Kissing Lexa outside the park on Sunday flashes through her mind. The struggle in Lexa's eyes, the fragile state of the woman she loves _so much_ burnt into her mind as she takes a step back to give her space. It's like an out of body experience, watching herself leave Lexa by the gate. It hurts all the way into her bones reliving that moment again. And it's not the first time. This particular piece of memory has been haunting her continuously since Sunday. But as much as it hurts she also knows it had to be done. For Lexa. 

She relives herself throwing up in the bushes outside her apartment building and how she had to call in sick at work in a shaky, quivering voice. Because a broken Lexa means a broken Clarke and Clarke was too broken to go to work. 

She finds comfort in the memory of Raven's arms enveloping her as she returned home. But it's shortlived. Because Raven left for work an hour ago and every waking minute pumps anotjer portion of anxiety into Clarke's veins. And she can't go back to sleep because... well... 

The thing is... Clarke's nightmares have returned. 

She used to have nightmares of the car accident. For the most of two years she had nightmares of losing Finn and sometimes she lost both Finn and Raven. She took as many night shifts as possible and slept during the day instead. She didn't understand how that worked, but it did, and for that she was grateful. 

Clarke blinks, trying to regain focus and perhaps with it some self control.

Sunday night flashes by. That night she wakes up soaking in her own sweat, screaming. And then crying. This time she doesn't lose Finn or Raven. She loses Lexa. 

And Raven has been crashing in Clarke's bed every night since then. Because it helps. The nightmares return every night but Raven catches her every time, so it's okay. 

Clarke calls in sick Monday. 

And Tuesday. 

Wednesday as well. 

Monday and Tuesday are both blurs in Clarke's mind, like the weakest of pencil strokes, barely there. She only remembers the couch and Raven forcing her to eat _something, anything_. And she remembers the lack of all things Lexa. 

Wednesday is different. Wednesday is hard because Raven took a few days off to look out for her but had to go back into work on Wednesday. 

Wednesday is hard because Clarke wakes up alone. Clarke can't stay in this apartment anymore. She needs to get out. Like, right now. Because her safety net isn't there and she doesn't trust herself not to fall. Because she doesn't trust herself to be able to pick herself up _when_ she falls. 

Anya. 

She decides to take Anya up on her offer for a talk and texts her to call her back whenever her work schedule allows her a couple of minutes. Anya replies immediately, _'she could do better, meet her at lunch, say 12:30 at the little Italian place by the court house?'_ and Clarke agrees. 

It's ironic, Clarke thinks, before she met Lexa she preferred to be alone, in general. It was easier to deal with. It meant not disappointing people having to cancel on them if she just didn't make plans with them to begin with. Nothing was really good enough because Finn wasn't there anyway. And the pity. Everyone looking at her like she would break if they spoke just a single word to her. It was... _too much_. So it was easier being alone, it was easier just doing things alone. 

Clarke realizes in that moment that she's changed. She wants people around her now, preferably Lexa, but she's craving Raven's dinner parties now too... She _loves_ those people. It's definitely a good thing. 

She sighs, rolls out of bed, her body movements a clear sign of lacking enthusiasm. 

She takes a shower and packs her drawing kit and walks to the park. It's a nice day out and she thinks it would have been perfect for a walk with Lexa. It's just not the same without her. 

There's a routine imprinted into her bones that's prompting her to 'flee the scene'. It's torturous walking here missing her this much. She should have never come to the park, not alone, not without her. 

But her feet are carrying her forward farther into the park, driven by an unstoppable force that _needs this_ and she struggles with the two conflicting messages her body sends her until she sits down on the bench, Lexa's bench, and the feeling of being home washes over her. _'Well, that's new'_ , she thinks. 

She leans back smiling to the sun and remembers their second meeting on this bench, the first meeting that wasn't random. Feeling the smile tug on her lips, she inhales softly and then exhales. Even the smell of Spring reminds her of Lexa.

Lexa.

Clarke just wants to know she's okay. She also wants a hug, maybe even a kiss, but for now she _really_ just needs to know that she's okay. Clarke has another two hours to kill before meeting Anya for lunch, so she pulls out her drawing kit. 

She draws her and Lexa on a bench, on _this_ bench. It's one of her favorite memories from their Sunday Park tradition walks. Lexa leaning her arm on the back of the bench behind Clarke and Clarke leaning into her. Clarke remember she felt so comfortable, _so light_ that she sighed out loud like she couldn't help herself, and she remembers Lexa's response as she placed a kiss to Clarke's temple pulling Clarke closer. 

Clarke seeks comfort in this memory thanking unnamed deities for giving her a little peace of mind, even just for a little while. 

*

Anya is already there when Clarke enters _Allessandro's_. 

"You look like shit, Clarke," Anya smirks and Clarke finds it oddly comforting. 

"I feel like shit," Clarke smiles.

Anya chuckles, "let's order and then you can tell me why I'm here." 

Clarke nods. This was exactly what she needed. No pity, no bullshit. Just Anya being her straightforward self. It's grounding Clarke, calming her even. 

*

Anya takes a sip of her orange juice patiently waiting for Clarke to open up. 

"Is she okay?" Clarke pleads and Anya's heart breaks for this woman that cares so much for her sister it's almost too much. 

"She will be. She's handling it better than I thought she would."

Clarke nods and picks at her napkin and Anya notices realizing it's not good enough. 

"Lexa is the type who deals with her issues by shutting down all means of communication. She goes to this dark corner of her mind where she doesn't have to worry about anyone else. To everyone on the outside it feels like the Lexa they know is gone," Anya explains. 

"She's always been like that. But it's different this time. She goes to work, she eats and she spends all her time writing away in her notebook. She doesn't talk to me, but she's not gone this time. So yeah, for whatever it's worth, I actually do think she's okay."

The waiter interrupts placing their orders in front of them and there's a moment where Anya's not sure if _Clarke_ is okay because the blonde sighs as her gaze falls to the napkin crumbled in her hands. 

"I'm sorry I told her," Clarke confesses. 

"Don't apologize, Clarke. I understand your decision and I envy your courage. I feel guilty for _not_ telling her... " Anya shares. 

Clarke lifts her gaze to meet Anya's, a smirk growing on Anya's lips. 

"Believe me, if I'd known that's what it took to get my sis laid, I would have done it a long time ago". 

Anya raises and eyebrow as Clarke blushes. Clarke forks some pasta uncomfortably and Anya chuckles. 

"What I'm saying is, eight years is a long time, she practically grew back into virginity... You took her second virginity, Clarke."

Anya laughs wholeheartedly at Clarke's wide eyes and it warms Clarke's body dissolving all tension and worry in an instant. She now understands where Raven draws her strength from, why Raven loves her. Anya doesn't even try hard and she grounds the people around her. There's Lexa and Raven and now also Clarke. 

Anya's banter is contagious and Clarke finds herself smirking at the thought of what she's about to say. 

"Believe me, Anya, your sister is no virgin," Clarke winks.

"Ew, gross. Okay, okay," Anya shudders... stuffing her mouth with the bread she just dipped in tomato soup. 

Clarke chuckles, blushing a little as images of a naked Lexa beneath her, above her, entangled in her fill her mind. 

"Clarke, are _you_ okay?"

Clarke nods and Anya picks up on the insecurity she knows Clarke is trying to hide. 

"You don't have to tell me, but if you _do_ want to talk about it I promise it stays between the two of us."

Clarke bites her lower lip, contemplating the offer. 

"Raven would kick my ass if I betrayed your trust," Anya assures her, a soft smile on her lips. And it's true. Raven trusts her and Raven has trust issues, like big time trust issues. So if Raven trusts her, Clarke does too. 

"And I'd let her." Clarke narrows her eyes pointing her knife at Anya. An empty thread, but it tells Anya all she needs to know, so she fills the waiting time dipping more bread in her soup. 

"I've got a dark place I go to just like Lexa, but I don't deal with my issues. Not if I can avoid it," Clarke sighs. "If Raven had died too I don't think I'd be here today. She was patient with me for eighteen days," Clarke laughs lightly, mostly to herself. "Eighteen days of me sulking around in her hospital room thinking I was supporting her when really she was keeping _me_ alive... Eighteen days before she told me to go home and not to come back before I'd made an appointment with a shrink."

A sad silence washes over Clarke and she settles her eyes on the monotonous movement of the fan in the ceiling. 

Anya waits. 

"I did it for her. I didn't care about anything except her. I thought, if it helped Raven that I talked to a shrink, I'd do it for her."

Clarke gulps down a glass of water hoping it clears her dry throat. It doesn't.

Anya waits. 

"As it turns out I really needed to see a shrink. It took me two years to overcome the nightmares... I haven't had one in more than a year and then I leave Lexa at the park on Sunday and there it is again. Nightmares every night since Sunday."

"You're afraid to lose her." It's a statement, not a question.

"Yes," Clarke admits and Anya reads the helplessness in her eyes loud and clear. 

"I understand, I do. I've lived with that fear for eight years. Just... be patient, Clarke. You won't lose her. She'll come around. She loves you. She just... She deals with her shit in silence, but she's not a runner."

Clarke nods, "See, I know you're right, Anya. It's just... The fear of losing someone is so deeply rooted in me that it happens automatically, I guess. I... I love her too, you know..." 

"I know," Anya grins. "You're good for each other."

Clarke nods. Her mind is a whirlwind of thoughts that can't seem to settle. 

"You think so?" 

"Of course!"

"You mean it?"

"Clarke. Listen to me. I knew you were good for her before I even met you. Your first meeting on the bench changed her," Anya reassures. "For the better... If that wasn't clear," Anya smiles. 

Clarke drops her gaze to her hands that have taken up the mission of crumbling up her napkin again. "Raven says the same about me... That Lexa is good for me."

"Raven is a smart woman, that's why I asked her out on a date. You should listen to her," Anya winks. 

"Don't tell her that, Anya. Please, she's cocky enough as it is," Clarke grins.

"That she is," Anya agrees. 

"Thank you for doing this."

"Of course, Clarke. Anytime."

Clarke grows silent, thinking how to move on from here. 

"Give her space, right?"

"Yes," Anya nods. "Time and space. She's a frustrating little shit that way."

Clarke chuckles, "Time and space it is, then."

*

Clarke goes back to work Thursday but asks Raven to crash in her bed a couple more nights. 

Every time the anxiety creeps up on her she repeats Anya's words to herself over and over again until she believes them. 

_'You won't lose her. She'll come around. She loves you.'_

Clarke decides it's better to spend her waiting time on things like working and drawing. Raven tells her she's proud of her. Clarke still thinks it feels a bit like running from the problem, but the only other choice she has is breaking the _'time and space'_ rule and that's not going to happen. 

Clarke only has to wait a few more days. She receives a text from Lexa on Sunday afternoon.

Lexa:  
_I'm okay now, but I miss you. I'm sorry it took so long. Are you okay?_

_'I am now'_ , Clarke thinks. 

Just one more one day.


	14. Chapter XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost don't want to post this because it means the story is completed. And it's silly because the sequel IS happening. I've got about 11 chapters worth at the moment... So consider subscribing to me or the series (Pockets Of Time) if you want a notification when I post first chapter. 
> 
> For the sequel I'm trying something new; not having written the entire thing beforehand. So if you're mad at me for never seeing Clexa (or Ranya) doing whatever... try me, it may be just the idea I'm waiting for ;) Talk to me here or on twitter. 
> 
> But for now, I give you the last chapter of Strangers On A Bench. I kept the ending kind of open on purpose (hence the sequel)... I'll shut up now, sorry. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read it, commented, 'kudoed' and subscribed. You're awesome. I hope I'll see you again once I post the sequel <3

There's a current flowing through Lexa's body as she leaves the library. It vibrates in her veins and it flutters in her heart. It speeds up time and it makes time stand still all at once. The distance between the library and Clarke's apartment hasn't felt this long before and yet somehow the walk is over before she knows it. 

She runs her hands down her coat to smoothen out the wrinkles that aren't actually there before knocking on Clarke's door. She barely registers the door opens before Clarke tackles her in a hug. It's desperate and brutal and Lexa is forced back a few steps by the force of the impact. Clarke clings to her like she never thought she'd ever see her again and Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke's shoulders pulling her in closer. She kisses Clarke on the side of the head before closing her eyes and burying her face in Clarke's hair. 

"You're here," Clarke whispers. 

Lexa nods. 

The hug melts into a kiss, Clarke pulling at Lexa's coat and Lexa's hand entangled in Clarke's hair. It's one of those moments, a pocket of time, where nothing else matters except just _being_ together. 

"Hmhmmm", Raven stands in the doorway, clearing her throat and grinning at the two.

"Go away, Rae!" Clarke complains, leaning her forehead against Lexa's, both sharing the same soft smile. 

"Maybe take this to your room, Clarke," Raven smirks. "I don't want complaints feom the neighbors about inappropriate gay activity in the stairwell."

Clarke sighs and Raven laughs and Lexa doesn't care about blushing anymore, so she continues smiling at Clarke.

Lexa hands Clarke a note before slipping inside the apartment. 

_'Go on a date with me?'_

"Now?" Clarke grins. 

There are many things Lexa wants to tell Clarke. For instance, she wants to tell Clarke that her favorite days are those where the sky has the same color as Clarke's eyes. She wants to tell Clarke that her favorite sound is Clarke's chuckle. That Lexa wants to kiss her every time she bites her lip. That she wants to kiss her every time she wears two different kinds of socks. That she loves watching Clarke draw and that she finds it the most adorable thing when she concentrates so much that her tongue escapes the corner of her lips. She wants to push Clarke up against the wall and draw ragged breaths from her lungs. She wants to tell Clarke that she's utterly in love with her. She wants to shout it from rooftops. And sidewalks. And benches. Everywhere. Anywhere.

But for now, she just wants to take Clarke out on a date and woo her properly. The rest will come in due time. 

_'Whenever you're ready. Dresscode: casual.'_ Lexa writes. 

"Okay, give me twenty minutes?" Clarke beams. 

Lexa smiles that half smile Clarke loves and Clarke leaves a soft kiss on Lexa's cheek before scurrying back to her room to slip into something a little less casual than sweatpants. 

*

"You look great, Lexa," Raven says, leaning against the door frame to the living room. 

Lexa wants to tell Raven that she owes her more things than she could ever repay, so she pulls her into a hug. 

"What's that for?" Raven chuckles. 

Lexa scribbles a note for Raven. 

_'For the talk and for looking out for Clarke while I couldn't'_

Raven smiles and squeezes Lexa's shoulders. While Raven seldom finds herself speechless Lexa understands the meaning of this gesture. It's loud and clear and means the world to her. 

"If you hurt her I'll end you," Raven says winking at her before leaving the kitchen. 

*

"So where are you taking me?" 

Lexa grins, not planning on giving any clues whatsoever. 

"You know I hate surprises, right?" Clarke tries, but Lexa just raises a disbelieving eyebrow at her. "Okay, you're right... I love surprises. Just... A clue?"

Lexa shakes her head and Clarke sighs, her grin still in place. 

*

Lexa guides Clarke through the park, hand in hand, both smiling like idiots, both excited to find out whatever this life has in store for them next. 

Lexa guides Clarke to the ice cream shop and buys Clarke a scoop of chocolate ice cream and vanilla for herself. And then she leads her back to the park to finish their ice cream and enjoy the sun for a while. 

Lexa scribbles a note for Clarke. 

_'I know this isn't new but I've had park walk cravings all week. I'm taking you out for dinner later, though'_

"It's perfect Lex." Clarke kisses Lexa on the cheek. "I've been craving these walks too." 

*

The living room is dimly lit only by the floor lamp in the corner and Raven is spread out on the couch, her legs in Anya's lap, her brace off. Anya is massaging Raven's leg while enjoying this long overdue quiet evening. The TV is stuck on a movie none of them really watches and empty chinese take away boxes are scattered all over the coffee table. 

"This is nice. We should do this more often, " Raven smiles. 

"We should," Anya agrees. 

"Stay here tonight," Raven pleads. 

Anya chuckles because that was her plan all along. It's been a week of sleeping on the couch and looking out for Lexa and missing Raven. The only thing Anya wants right now is to stay in Raven's arms until her alarm clock demands her to get up and go to work, and then she'll go to work wishing she could've stayed with Raven for longer. 

"There's no place I'd rather be," Anya sighs as she slides sideways to lay her head on Raven's stomach, both of them drifting off to sleep not long after. 

*

Lexa takes Clarke to this tiny backyard restaurant with cozy tables under the evening sky, conveniently hidden away from the rest of the world, and they share a really nice dinner and some wine to the soundtrack of a live pianist filling the backyard with smooth jazz. Lexa smiles because Clarke smiles and Clarke almost pinches herself to make sure it isn't a dream. 

"I like this place," Clarke voices and she loves how Lexa's smile grows wider, prouder and more happy at her words. 

_'A friend of my dad owns the place and the pianist is my old piano teacher'_

"Here, give me your pen," Clarke says. Lexa quirks an eyebrow as she hands over the pen and Clarke winks at her before she starts doodling on Lexa's note. She draws a grand piano in the corner of her note and when she's done she sends the note and the pen back to Lexa. 

"How does a mutated stick man grand piano look like, Lex?" Clarke challenges. 

Lexa draws a few white and black rectangles resembling a section of piano keys and writes something next to it. 

_'I can do better. I've got a surprise for you. '_

As Clarke reads the note with a curious look in her eyes, Lexa walks up to her old piano teacher and puts a hand on his shoulder. He greets her with a smile that tells Clarke they're old friends and he shakes her hand and gives her the spot behind the piano. 

There's this thing Lexa does just before submitting to an important task. Her lower lip drops and her left eyebrow rises, just the slightest bit. It's so subtle you won't notice unless you've spent hours watching her facial expressions and that's something Clarke won't mind admitting having done. 

Behind the piano, Lexa shakes her hands a few times and then she does that thing she does, right before she hits the first note.

And Clarke finds herself stuck in a pocket of time and she forgets to breathe because it's magical and something Clarke thought she'd never experience. Lexa's hands flow elegantly and skilled across the keys and it's not a song Clarke recognizes, but it's beautiful and deep and _so Lexa_ and Clarke feels her heart ache and melt and burst and expand all at once. And that's when Clarke knows that she's undeniably in love with Lexa. 

As Lexa sends the last note onwards towards the evening sky, Clarke wipes off a few tears from her cheek. _This woman_. 

After dinner Lexa brings Clarke back to the park to cuddle on their bench while watching the sunset. And as the first stars appear on the dark blue canvas above them, Clarke kisses Lexa until they are both breathless and warm.

Strolling home in comfortable silence, Clarke is perplexed by how easy it is to be with Lexa, how easy it is to communicate with the woman who's never actually used spoken words in their conversations. 

By the time Clarke opens the door to her apartment, her heart is bursting, exploding like fireworks. She tugs Lexa inside by the hand, a smile dancing on her lips.

"Wanna sit in the kitchen with me for a while?"

Lexa nods and Clarke kisses her before retreating to her room to pick up her sketchbook. 

When she returns, she finds Lexa in the doorway to the living room with a soft smile on her lips. Clarke hugs Lexa from behind as they both watch Raven and Anya asleep on the couch. 

"They deserve this," Clarke whispers and Lexa agrees. 

"I hate to do it, but I need to wake them up. Raven's leg is going to be a mess tomorrow if she stays like that all night," Clarke sighs. 

"Here, take this to the kitchen? I'll be right behind you," Clarke gives her the sketchbook as she walks into the living room. 

*

Raven and Anya enters the kitchen ten minutes later, joining the couple by the counter. 

"Coffee?" Clarke asks. 

"Yeah, screw this. All of you have the day off tomorrow, right?" Anya says, rubbing her fingertips down her cheeks. 

Everyone nods. 

"Okay, then, hit me with the caffeine. I'm gonna call in a favor tomorrow and take the day off too," Anya decides. "We need this."

"And ice cream," Clarke says. 

"And ice cream," Raven agrees. 

This is another one of those pockets of time where nothing exists but _this_. It's one of those moments that will always be remembered as one of the best ones. 

It's well past midnight before everyone goes to bed with cheeks hurting from smiling too much, stomachs full of ice cream and hearts full of light, falling asleep in their lover's arms. 

And life may still play tricks on them in the future, but it's okay because there's someone right there next to them bringing them strength and support to deal with it. 

*

When Clarke wakes up the next morning to an apartment that smells of bacon and Lexa's arm draped over her waist, she can't fight the smile that tugs at her lips. She slept through the night without having nightmares and she takes a few moments to let the memories from last night wash over her. She's certain that yesterday was one of the best days in her life, if not _the_ best then very _very_ close. Clarke needs another couple of minutes feeling like this before hunting down bacon, so she closes her eyes and dwells in the comfort of Lexa's naked warm body against hers. 

When Lexa wakes up shortly after, she instinctively pulls Clarke even closer and presses her lips lazy from sleep against the nape of Clarke's neck. Clarke responds with a soft hum and Lexa feels it vibrate in the torso under her arm and under the skin below her lips. Lexa smells the bacon and knows she can't keep Clarke in bed forever. She sighs as Clarke entwine their fingers lifting her hand up to leave kisses on her fingertips and then she closes her eyes to better feel the warmth that runs through her veins.

It's addictive, Lexa thinks. 

Clarke does too. 

If only they could wake up like this every morning.

*

When they go the park that afternoon, something is different. A good kind of different. 

The scene is similar to that one cold February day where Clarke decided to take a seat next to a stranger, except that they're not strangers anymore and the bench is not Costia's bench, but _their_ bench, the one closest to the ice cream shop. 

Lexa doesn't write memories in her notebook, she doesn't feel the need to. Instead she leans back and soak up the sun on this mild May afternoon and listens to Clarke drawing in her sketchbook and humming mellow folk tunes next to her. 

"Hey, Lex, remember the drawing I did the first time we met?" Clarke asks, still entirely focused on her sketchbook. 

Lexa opens her eyes and looks at Clarke. Lexa doesn't respond in any other way, she doesn't have to because Clarke can sense she has her full attention. 

"I titled it Strangers On A Bench." Clarke smiles at the sentiment. Lexa does too. Leaning in to leave a kiss on Clarke's shoulder, she sneaks a peek at her new drawing. It has obvious references to the first drawing. The scenery of the park, seasonal characteristics like flowers in bloom instead of snowflakes and there are two women on a bench too. Their bench. So obviously them. So beautifully right. 

Lexa pulls out her tiny notebook. 

_'What's this one called?'_

"Mh, I don't know yet... " Clarke bites her lip thoughtfully. 

Lexa suggest _'Lovers In A Park?'_

Clarke smiles at her because Lexa gets it, the reference. She leans in to place a soft kiss on Lexa's lips. "I like it," she murmurs and Lexa's heart flutters. 

Clarke's does too.

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments you might have. Give it to me <3


End file.
